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The forbidden love story
(2004-04-08) 02:16

I keep thinking all the time I've been doing something wrong. Certainly there is something wrong with me. I feel empty most of the time, void of feelings. I fear if someone peers into me, I'd be vastly dark and confusing with nothing else inside. I avoid the subject of love. He says (though most times playfully) that he loves me. What should I say about that? What is love? Is it this satisfaction I have with my life now because we are together?

I can't just throw this around lightly. (I don't want to go around saying I love him and then pretending to...) I admit I get tingles when I am around him even though I am with him so many hours of the day...lunch with him. Dinner with him. Then hours afterwards studying, reading and doing homework. Yet I am still quite enchanted by his smiles.

But is this it? Is it love? I can't bring myself to say it. Forget saying it to him, I can't even begin to admit to myself that I love him.

Yesterday (well the 6th) was our 2-month. We decided that was the day we officially started going out--because he never officially "asked me out". So February 6th was that day, we decided so we could keep track and so we can have "anniversaries". And that's what we had that night. We rollerbladed around campus. We went into the scary Death Star, an odd cement building, famous for its confusing heights and widths of the individual buildings that make up the entire complex. That would be the College of Letters & Science building, actually. Anyway, we hid in a deep outside cave-like window sill. We crawled in and started making out until we heard rustling noises. We broke away just as that someone walked by. The excitement heightened. Oh, it's those forbidden type kisses I crave. We jumped down from the window-sill and proceeded to blade around the cement floor until we went up the stairs. We went on the elevator to the top and stared at the moon and stars. Afterwards we bladed under a bridge, toward the engineering buildings which were so neatly kept that I wanted to break in and hide in it. We went around buildings I've never seen before. I decided I needed to explore it sometime. Why do I only have classes in mainly two halls anyway? Olson and Young Hall. Once, I had one in Hart Hall but that wasn't especially an attractive building. These engineering and animal science buildings were specialized. Grouped together neatly, with special parks and roads and decorations. They are designed uniquely for each person it was named after. I told him that I want to take an animal science class just so I am allowed to study in these places...he thinks I am crazy. But he doesn't understand...these buildings are ones I dreamt of. Literally, they are the type that are in my dream.

This evening, we went to "picnic in the park" which is a picnic next to the Farmer's Market they have every Wednesday. After we ate, we took a walk on the Death Star again and I gasped at this 5 story red-brick building that is our MU (memorial union, which is attached to the coffeehouse). I swore the building looked out of place. He commented that yes, it does look like it is--looks more like a building in UCLA in fact. I wondered why I have never noticed the red-brick building before. He said it was because of the sun shining on it. I told him that I must...yes, I absolutely must get on the patio on the 5th floor. It has rails along its pathway from one end to the other. It looked so amazingly interesting to me. It was like a building I encountered before. It might be in a dream. In fact, it was highly likely it was. Anyway, I just had the feeling that I must get up there. A desire.

So we climbed the stairs to the 5th floor and we came upon 2 doors. Both were locked. I stood at the top of the stairs just looking longingly at those doors. So mysterious. Maybe that's what intrigues me. Or perhaps...I love these high balconies/patios. Everyone has their favorite places and this is mine. I love rooftops. And I loved that. Too bad we couldn't get out. So we gave up and came down.

Then we came back in my room and I pulled out my permanent records...or "cumulative folder". He looked at the learning abilities test I took when I was in second grade and he told me in awe that a lot of my scores were either in the "genius" zone or very...high. He said, "Wow my girlfriend's a genius!" How sweet. Too bad that genius mind did not grow up with me.

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