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I believe the sun should never set upon an argument..

I was just listening to Savage Garden.. that was the first line of the song, "Affirmation". Most of the songs (although not this one) on their second CD is so incredibly sad.. and for some reason, I like sad songs.. not only sad songs, but sad movies and such. Maybe I like to cry? I just like to have my emotions flowing. I want to believe I am a normal human being, and that I have feelings.. that I feel something.. besides the neverending pain that I had finally gotten used to.

My minds a total blank at the moment.. the normal rambles in my mind is temporarily gone. Around five minutes ago, I composed a short poem that stole away half of my mind. Its almost a story type poem, but I just created it with random words in my mind. I hate all these words have the same relation.. pain, tears, pain, suffering, pain. There seems to be a trend of pain in the world. Here it is..

shadowing these unfelt desires,
she follows the jagged cuts of numbness
trailing beneath the faded sunlight
the blurred slits unyieding against her tears
penetrating through her vulnerability
a senseless torment drowning out her screams
finally her blind perceptions unwinds
destructing her unstable perfection
wretching illusion of a sweeter wish
while loneliness engulfs upon the silence,
the remaining slices of a dream

The only thing that comes to mind is that, well, there would be no further studying. Yes, finally, Finals are OVER. I dont exactly sound so excited, I know. Although its a new semester now, the last didnt resolve the way we all wanted it. Horrible finals.. horrible grades. If I get a B in French, I am going to scream.. furthermore, if a C in Chemistry Honors, I am going to strangle myself... I never believed in fate. I believed that I could control the future. If that is true, why cant I ever control what happens even if I try? Nothing is ever what I expect, and its usually for the worse. Its really no use complaining.. Im such a selfish dork.

Theres really no point in writing here, but I still feel obliged because I get more hits here than my other sites combined. Do people actually like my writing? Or my design? Do people actually like seeing my work? Writing and designing are just my pasttimes.. I need to do something to refrain from becoming insane. I am on this edge.. and I cant find anything of interest as a substitute. *sigh* Unsatisfaction is the worst.. I wouldnt know what to do sometimes. Without the computer, I'd sit down and scribble.. whatever's on my mind. Sometimes I'd do a portrait of someone. My favorite is color pencil drawings.. because I love colors. Someday maybe I would scan in my favorite drawing for you all to stare at.. maybe, if I get a scanner :) But, I doubt it.. not for another 4 years :)

Dreams..wishes.. symbols? My dreams are composed of real life situations.. with *different* people playing in it. I only realized it after I woke up, thinking about the dream I just had.. it was vaguely, no, VERY similar to a real life situation.. but just with a different person. Hmm. The dream had a person that I havent thought about for a loong time.. and all of a sudden, he just appears in my dream in a situation not so long ago. Is it warning me? The ironic thing is.. I encountered him for the first time in a long time today too. When he came up behind me, I did a really noticeable 180 degree turn. It just seemed weird to be dreaming about him, and then seeing him in real life so fast.. but I think he noticed, and he left the room. Oh well... I left too. It really has nothing to do with him. I just need to figure out what he represents.. and why hes not as clear as the other people in my dreams.

My friends got annoyed because they never know who the 'guys' that I talked about are. One of my friends keep asking if he was this person, but I said no. Okay, so I'm not even sure of his name, but dont tell them that. I dont think its him anyway... not after she asked for the tenth time. So they wanted to know whos the other annoying guy. (Grain) No one actually knows him, but Julia had seen him and said that he looked really annoying. I told her the facts. He was expelled from MV, went to boot camp, and got into our school. End of story.. and they're like, okay. Sometimes I'm almost afraid of him. But he just likes to talk, but he's really harmless.. but still, Im staying away.. Im still in the process of pleading to transfer out of my chemistry class, although I cant transfer out of my math class.. but hes usually asleep by then anyway. *sigh* I dont know why I let these people bother me.

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