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I've decided to resume poem writing. Somehow I need some other way to write my emotions than just laying out these words.. I wrote this, called, "Decision" just a minute ago..

her distraught mind stood frozen,
straining for the fictitious comfort
the unreal sense of time
before her tears stained inside
soaking the pain she once kept.

"should I hide?"
she asks, staring at the awkward prints
"should I run?"
she wonders, tearing her feet away.
"should I lie?"
she ponders, and decieveness bought neither.

she lays her track one by one,
the bright illumination of the problem once had
all torn apart by the same one
the single wish that was forbidden
now stolen by her greed.

Of course I'm the "she" of the poem.. *sigh* thats how I feel.. Im totally incapable of doing anything now. If I can, its hard because of indecision. Of course I've been struggling with the problem for a long time, but I still didnt resolve it yet. I would have ignored it, but everything just reminds me what things I should or should not be doing. I am listening to "First Love" by Utada Hikaru, a Japanese singer that sounds a LOT like Mariah Carey.. well, when she sings the English part anyway. Just imagine Mariah singing Japanese, then their voices will be exactly the same. Laalaa.. really, Japanese sounds better than English anyway.. I dont even have to understand it. (and I dont..)

I played around with Paint Pro Shop and made a *really* stupid graphic for comatised.com. Trust me.. it is.. at least for me. I dont know.. I cant make graphics anymore.. cant design.. arrghh. I need something.. I know I need something... what do I need? I need to see certain people.. I cant just stay here alone.. always alone with no one to talk to. Always in my own mind and not being able to get out. Those people at school had poisoned my mind. Only when I have been separated do I know what it feels like to miss the guys.. *sigh* My obsession lies in the character.. the memories. No, wait, what obsession? Gosh, I hate torturing myself this way. But its just my awkward feelings again.

I dont know why the line is stuck in my head.. "Its where Im from that lets them think Im a whore, Im an educated virgin." Ahh. Whore.. whore?! Okay... I dont know what that has to do with anything.. gosh, I really have NO idea what I am writing exactly. I know, I really should have something to write.. but lately, I've been writing on impulse.. I dont know what exactly Im writing until I actually write it..

I think I want to laugh. Maybe because the music is getting on my nerves.. I've freed up several hundred megs.. that means more space for my MP3s.. probably only like 30 to 40 songs more depending on how big each file is.. gosh... maybe a little Fiona Apple, which I havent listened to in a while. I think it's male voices. I've listened to it for too long. Of course I'd NEVER get tired of Jakob Dylan's.. but there are more annoying ones. *ahem* Oh, heres the PERFECT song for my mood.. "Bitch" by Alanis Morissette.. yeah, I almost forgot. It always had made me feel so happy for some odd reason. Besides.. it was in the movie, "What Women Want".. with Frank/Matt/Richard. Okay, that thought came out of nowhere.. but I didnt even think of that before.. gosh, with Mel Gibson putting on nail polish (red), hot wax on this legs, with blue wonder bra and tights while his daughter walks in with her boyfriend.. that scene will stick in my head FOREVER! As long as the song is playing anyway.

"Breathe" is on. I better go.

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