fires burning candles
(2000-12-20) 20:20:14
I need to make mistakes before I can know to do whats right.. Which is the problem.. should I make mistakes or do the right thing? Im exasperated that my fave dork site is going down because it got sued and I might not be able to use my email for very long.. I changed my email numerous times in the past.. and this time I stuck with it. Ohh, internet is a nasty thing. Amazing how it could grow over that past 4 or 5 years. I woke up at exactly 9am today. I decided to stay in bed at least for another hour.. and I ended up getting up at almost 11am.. true to my request. The night before, I had decided to light up three of my numerous candles. I had a slight obsession with collecting different kinds of candles.. especially scented aromatherapic ones. So this year, I got around 2 or 3 candles. The problem was that I was deficient at lighting matches. I kept trying.. maybe 5 times? And every single time, the match bent and lighting was impossible. Okay... so I've never lighted one before.. dont make fun of me. So I did a really stupid thing. I went to our gas stove and lit up that on the match. Immediately, the fire caught and burnt up half of the match in less than a second. I was so horrified that I quickly put that on the candle I was holding and threw it in the sink (it was the closest space I could find) and it went out. I was just glad I didnt throw it in the trash which was right beside me, because everything would be on fire. I was going a little fire-crazy and decided to burn things. It was nearly midnight by then and I was sleepy and wasnt thinking. I took everything thats within hand reach limit and tried burning it. Even paper.. which wasnt very wise. I somehow enjoyed watching the fire creep up along the edges, creating a burnt jagged edge. There was a slight moment of panic when the fire wouldnt go out after waving it in the air but it did after a while. Besides, it created an unbearably good scent that melted as it was burned. It was a familiar smell.. prevalent in those sticky hot days that had long passed. I'd take joy in hearing that hiss after I burn a piece of hair. At any other time, I'd be so disgusted, but that time it was in a between state of awakeness and sleepness. It gave off a burning smell.. close to that smell of Nair after putting on my legs for a while (uhh, did I just write that?) It curled the piece and I'd feed the fire more and more. I wondered what I was thinking. I left the candles burning while I went to sleep. I was too sleepy to mind them burning beside my bed. I was aware of that 'warning' label saying 'never leave burning candle unattended'. I was too tired to mind even though I did get up several times with my lips ready to blow it all out. Before I finished thinking about it.. I had already fallen asleep.. until 9am, as I said before. I looked over to the table and saw that only one candle remained burning.. whoa. The candle wasnt even half burned.. even after 8 hours! The others were all gone with only a burnt wax stub in the middle of scatters of melted wax. I poked at the stubs and the burnt parts broke off easily. When I finally got up, I was mortified that my nose (inside) was completely black. I rushed to the bathroom to get it all out of me.. and for the first five minutes I was afraid. Then I realized, after my head's clear.. that I must have inhaled the soot from the burnt wax stub when I broke it off.. thats why I had it all inside my nose.. but its scary nevertheless. Thats how my morning started. Its a strange way to start my vacation, but I dont know what else I might do. I needed to plan what I was going to do..but instead Im doing nothing like usual. I can hardly write.. my mind cant organize themselves very well. I've been wanting a domain name for so long but I've always thought it was impossible. Katrina offered to buy me one.. shes the nicest nice nicest nice person, heehee... I know lots of people are like me.. wanting a domain name but not able to buy one. I want to start a movement or something... that sometimes we *wouldnt* have to pay for these things. In fact, I found a site that would buy a domain name for you (like a real one, but those namezero things) if you do certain things. If you want to help me, go to glaze.wigloo.com and sign up for a FREE website thing.. because if I get a hundred active sites.. I can get one.. but I doubt it :) Lala.. I need to get out more. Anyone throwing a party?
I havent been on diaryland for very long.. and I realized that its a huge community.. I see that theres several diarylanders that are very well known...that is, linked everywhere. I cant help but feel like Im missing out on something. Is there something that I missed out on? I, in fact found diaryland a long time ago.. back in April.. but that was another diary.. and when I wasnt very interested in HTML and such.. I always thought it was a *private* community and that no one would ever read my diary.. but I realized that people are actually interested. People can actually relate to my thoughtless thoughts? Oh, amazing. Especially since none of my friends IRL do. In fact, if they ever find this diary, they wont recognize it.. They dont know me at all. Besides.. I altered their name a bit in this diary (Thats why you find similar names..)
As much as I like staying home away from school.. staying home means staying with my problems and unable to solve it. *sigh* I refuse to think about it, I cant ignore it.. they're always still there. Which feels worse? Having problems and trying to solve it and it gets worse.. or not doing anything at all while the problem remains and just thinking about it? Arrgghh.. It reminds me of that monologue I did in drama. Its called "Im a Seagull". Its supposed to be a metaphor for the character's life.. that she could never live her dreams because people (a person) believed that shes incapable.. well, I forget. I of course cant live my dreams because I myself believe Im incapable since its *true*. My friend told me that I shouldnt limit myself.. but if I hope higher, I would *never* get anywhere.
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