any where you want.

indexarchivesnotesprofileringsdesigndiaryland


designs clear perfection
(2000-12-22) 19:47:56

My head feels cleared today. I think I could actually think clearly. *thinks* Okay, that felt better. Have you ever felt relieved to think? I think I could feel it. *pats head* Not that Im crazy today.. well, Im more or less insane than usual.

A phone call prompted me away from my warm comfortable bed. In the middle, we three way called another friend.. and the call went on and off for about an hour. I find nothing much to say on my part.. so Im just listening into their conversation. I realized 1) I write more than I speak, which is scary because I find myself talking the way I write. 2) I have no real life. I do nothing all day compared to my friends' lives 3) I havent had the joy of talking or meeting *new* friend-ish type people besides my friends. I usually only talk to people because I had to. 4) I am too self-involved.. I dont know much about other people's lives 5) Im one sad freak. Of course there are many things that I do not know, but these things strike and somehow we always find out.

Yesterday, I applied for free webhosting thing at youthofamerica.org.. like the name suggests, its searching for youth of America who is web knowlegeable... so it isnt automatic, and you had to write reasons on *why* you want the free web thing. So I did.. and I must've been drugged or something because I wrote something really corny. I forgot what I had written but its something like.. "I feel like I need to expand on the web.. " and things like that. After I pressed that submit button, Im like.. uhh WHAT did I just write? But then again, today, they emailed me back and said they *liked* my websites.. (I think they saw this diary too...) "I believe that I will award you the December web host award along with a free domain and domain name! YOU WRITING IS SUPERB !!! Your design worth much MORE! It is not often that I discover such writing and art and flavor!" Wow.. and all I wanted was free webhosting.. Thats uhh, cool? Its not even a real domain though.. well, it is, but Im a "chapter" of their network thingy.. I become part of them.. kind of.. I dont know.. How can they like my designs when I cant even make a table? Yesterday I tried all evening trying to get my tables for my new design right.. and IT DIDNT WORK!! I hate how things are impossible to do..grr.. okay I'll dwell on that later.

Now back to me. (haha who said I was self-less) Even though I got awarded, I still feel empty. I want to scream at myself.. what the hell do I need anyway? What more do I need? Cant it pass through my head? I wished that I was actually determined like this at school.. if I had it, then I wouldnt be flunking all my tests and be worried to get a C. Why was this year so different? I used to be a straight A student. I used to be good. I used to be smart. Now, whats left of me? A useless self-analyzation that creates nothing. Oh, nothing.. arent nothing something? Something is nothing.. or else it cant be nothing. Okay.. dont mind me. Im just full of myself today.. oh, make that everyday. I wonder how can anyone put up with me. Or how can YOU for reading put to here. Thank you by the way.. did I ever tell you that?

Im just so lovely, I know.. not having any direction, yet somehow putting up all this crap with designs and writings and things. Now that I think of it.. how did I ever make all of this? I cant count how many webpages I've designed.. probably the same amount as I've failed and trashed. And how many hours? Make three times as much as I should have.. maybe if I hadnt spent that much.. I wouldnt have been crying everyday because of my failures in school. *smacks head* Yes, now I admit my obsession with perfection.. Im a perfectionist..that doesnt mean everything is perfect.. I just cant stand color clashes, any out of place lines.. and messy designs. So the result is... this. This is the typical "yaya" design.. No table marks or anything because as I said, Im table deficient. Lean closer and I'll tell you a secret. I use Adobe Imageready for those image slices.. and I use THEIR HTML code.. Okay, the secret is out..

But now that doesnt matter does it? Im just rambling on and on about nothing and I dont know why you even want to read this.. but heres stuff for you to read : blah blah blah blah blah blah. How entertaining? Well, isnt my life? By the way, its my parents' 20th wedding anniversary. Take a guess at how old I am? But wait, I have an older brother.. oh yeah, forgot about him. Well, he's 17 so how old could I be? But then again.. Im still not quite that young for the internet world which is filled with young people.. pre-teens. I myself started the website thing at uhh 13? (or maybe it was 12..) I actually started with frames.. and I spent all night (literally) trying to figure out how those cgi scripts work. Now that I think about it.. Im just stupid for trying to figure out how those work.. I mean, even now, I only understand a bit. I started with gurlpages.com and I stayed with it for a while *until* they put on ads.. grr.. and I got mad and got hosted with rebelferret.net.. and later at darkflower.net..

I feel like writing much today because theres just so many things to say. Writing is so much better for me because its not like talking when I have no time to actually rethink what Im about to say. In writing, I could actually stop and think of what exactly am I writing. But right now, Im not bothering to correct the silliness so its like Im just talking. If that didnt make any sense... well then you know how I talk like :) Maybe I shouldnt regret what I say because thats exactly what Im thinking at the moment.. but then again, Im just worried on how it might affect other people... its really not *all* about me.. although most is :)

Okay maybe I should just go out and run. I am feeling too suffocated being stuck in a house almost all alone with myself. Its already almost 3pm and I *still* havent brushed my hair, changed fully out of my pajamas beyond other things.. (not that you need to know.. but whos making you read this?) I've changed multiple CD's.. from No Doubt (which I havent listened to in a while) to an old cassette I made 3 years ago with my favorites. Nathalie Imbruglia was my favorite then.. she was awesome.. hmm, does she have a new CD out? I need to stick my head under water or something. I need to WAKE UP. Please.. just hit me.

previous & next

from yawen.