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what if it didn't go away
(2001-04-18) 12:20 p.m.

Am I sick? I'm not sick. Am I questioning myself again? (groans) I'm not playing. I think that I've been alone with myself for too long. It's not my fault that I am an idiot, is it?

I wish that I could find some kind of justification for this. Like how I always manage to do something wrong; overlook something beyond my shoulders. You know how parents say that you'll have "more responsibilities on your shoulders" or something. Well, how can I handle that when I'm too afraid to look over. I'm afraid to see what's there. The only progress I'll make is to turn around and face the past. The past is harder than the future isn't it? Not really.

I'd always say that something is missing. Maybe something is. Maybe it's that love that's missing. I want to love someone. Someone other than myself because I can't stand myself. You see how I drive myself crazy. So crazy. I want another excitment that burns. Lights up my eyes and so I could see the illumination of the path ahead of me in the complete darkness that I've plunged into.

Get out of this merry-go-around and live, dammit. I can't stand these blurriness. Even though I know that it's there, everything is so blurry and I can hardly see anything. That's why I made a new layout for the Comatised blog. It's so distorted. I feel sorry for the people that have to look at it.. and post for that matter.

I feel like hugging myself and say that it's alright. I can survive by myself. Comforting my own tears.

But there's too many things stopping me. (sigh) Look at me. I'm shivering.

That was yesterday. I wrote that up there yesterday. *points up* It was late at night and I didn't have the time to put it up because someone was threatening me. So I left it open until today. You can tell if it's a night entry. It's all scrambles of words that don't make any sense.

I think that I was slightly delirious because I had eaten too much of everything. Something like that. Or maybe because my friend is back from New York and she seems more introspective than she was before. She seems so sure of herself. And while I am the same, still rotting beside my bed. And now, here in front of the computer.

I want to know though. I want to know about myself and what I should do. She makes it sound so easy. She writes so effortlessly like it doesn't take any strength to write. She has the talent yet she doesn't flaunt it. She probably doesn't even know. (sighs) Hey, I try. I do. But I just suck at everything. That's always how it goes.

She's right though. That she is like Cal Trask. Everyone is like Cal, aren't they? He has evil flaws, and yet he knows it and wants to change. He wants attention.. doesn't everybody? But the thing that's most like her is that he is so smart acedemically.. he doesn't even have to try, and yet he doesn't focus on that. He doesn't take that to his advantage. That's her. And I'm jealous. I wish I was smart. But even if I try, I don't come anywhere near that.

Another beautifully clouded day. Hmm. Katrina's leaving. I already feel lost. I think that my head is elsewhere.

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