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If I scream loud enough, would anyone hear me? If I cry, would anyone notice? There is a reason why I keep my identity anonymous.. why I dont link this diary in the main site. There is a reason why I dont want anyone to know who I really am.. and for people that do know me to not see this. I am not the same person... anymore..

After intensive studying late last night, I realized Golding's message his book "Lord of the Flies". He wanted to show the dark nature (evilness) of human.. how people will revert to their dark nature if pushed to the edge. At first I didnt understand because the characters were only little boys (the 'older' boys were just 12) It was from his experience at war that made him see the transformation of human. I always thought evilness was part of a person's character.. that meant either a person does have this dark side.. or not. I never thought I was evil.. but at times like today, I could feel something burning inside of me, ready to explode.

I was in a combination of being mad AND sad and the same time after world literature. I found out that I had gotten an F on one of my projects because of misunderstanding the instructions.. so I was hysterically in tears.. my face was hot and red from anger. My next class was phys-ed, and I made myself suffer from running in the cold wind.. then later, I attacked everyone in basketball. I had no coordination, but still, I attempted to steal everyone's ball even if the persons on my own team. I had to anyway, since my team was so unactive. So I jumped after everyone, and inside, a voice was telling me to stop being so aggressive... but I couldnt stop going after the people. I was angry at the members of my own team for being so talentless because they could not catch or throw.. but later, after the game was finished and I was returned to my normal breathing self, I realized what I had done.. those unneccesary aggressivenes.. I had done exactly what Golding was trying to prove.. letting the wildness get to me.. letting that part out. I *really* didnt think my team was horrible, its my dark nature thinking... I *really* wasnt violent..

People can NOT act like this. Is this why there are murderers in the world? Because they cannot control themselves? If I cant control myself... its just scary. I dont know what I am anymore. Am I really being who I am now.. or just pretending? Am I really evil inside? Maybe the book is just getting to me.. I dont know whats really bothering me but Im scared right now. Scared of what I am going to do.. and how its going to affect me. Im already suffering right now as a result of my mentally challenged mind.. my mind that cant take any more studying.. or any concentration at all. Its closed off and its the end.

Its gotten to the point that it hurts thinking about myself and what I've done. Right now, Im just going along with doing what I think is right and not exactly thinking about my actions. Its not like I hate myself.. but more like hate the person I've become because of the things I've done in the past.

I almost think about myself as two people.. theres me.. the one that looks at everything.. and theres me too, the one thats seen by everyone. I would be the me that looks at everything, and faces the other me and saying, "I hate you.. These are your problems..." and tell it to my own face. It relates to my dream of when I had faced myself (seeing my *own* face) and shot myself. Its just that this time, it isnt so disturbing.. I just want to see that other person thats seen and judged by others...

I should have written this a while ago, but I had forgotten... I checked my SiteMeter, and found out that someone found my site by searching for 'desperate pissing' on google (different language though).. the entry is here and no, its not what the person's thinking of.. some people are so disgusting.. I just happen to be describing how 'pissed' I was, how I was desperate because it was just before the Geometry final.. What a sick world we live in...

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