exploiting beliefs of suffering
(2001-04-03) 10:28 p.m.
I am going to write. Without it being erased. I must, I must, I say aloud. Wait, what was that? Am I talking to myself again? How many times have I lost my thoughts after it's gobbled up by the evil internet? But you see, my thoughts revolve around certain things such as this, about nothing. And I can't trace my thoughts back to the moment that I was thinking.. I was thinking about religion. I am not a slight bit religious. Or at least I refuse to admit so. I think I have a slight influence of Christianity and Buddhism. As a child, my mother's mother had taken me to a buddhist temple. I remembered those burning papers and fruits on a stool-like table. We were down on our knees to the shrine of the Buddhist. I'd go back smelling like burnt ashes. I liked that particular paper smell. I never forgot that. Later, in California (when I moved here when I was 6) my dad's mother took me to a Christian Church. I held my very first Bible in my little hands. There is a God, they say. He watches over us. He is the all powerful spirit-being that created all of us. I believed it then. It seemed to me then another thing that these higher authorities taught me, much like those people at school did. There was Somebody that can change everything. There could be miracles. It's not that hard to believe. In fact, I WANT to believe it. Later, I realized.. whoa. These are religions... and I've been exposed to BOTH. There were the burning ashes, and the spiritual being that watches over us. It was a blend with me.. a blend where I believe there was a Middle Way.. and how if I managed to make mistakes, there would be Somebody who'd get me out of it. And what did I find out years later? There's nothing out there. It's just me and the world. I don't mean to criticize Christianity and how sometimes I don't believe God. It's just so soothing to believe in Him. I'd pray sometimes and then feel guilty because well, I'm not christian. And the fact that I'm exploiting their beliefs.. praying only when I am in trouble.. and trying to get out of it. I don't practice their other beliefs. Like this no-swearing thing. I cuss. And others... But I want to believe in something. I can't stand my constant loss of direction. And how I never do certain things.. how I can't get myself to do something.. Ooh. What's going to happen to me if I keep doing this? I can't.. I can't... Someday I'm going to suffer so much. There's just no way I can get out of this. I need to change.. I need to do something different. I can't keep following what I am doing now.
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