indecisive behavior addiction
(2001-02-14) 03:14:15
Happy [early] Valentine's Day? Although it's technically still the 13th, but in diaryland, its already the 14th. I hope everyone's happy because I'm not :) Well, not that I'm not happy, but I'm just not happy-happy. If that makes any sense. Its a sweet holiday but its also.. umm, a bit pointless? If you want to say "I love you" to someone or show affection you should say it more often, whenever you feel it, not choose a day like Valentine's day..Okay. Yes. I hold this indecision with my life. I can't decide. If I dont like something about myself.. I'd think, Okay, well, I'll change later.. somehow, and I wouldn't hold it my responsibility.. that I am the person, so I have to be the one that changes.. that controls myself.. but I just let time pass without doing anything. I attended a seminar for a senior year college program. Its supposed to be for juniors, but for some reason they sent it to me.. and I don't exactly have that great of a GPA. I don't have a 4.0 or higher like some certain people (*cough*.. my brother) Before this, I had always considered going to college early.. I knew that taking these college courses will be a challenge, but I never gave it much thought.. and thought that "eventually" I could take the classes anyway. But, after hearing horror stories, (maybe it wasnt meant to scare anyone... but it scared little old me..) I decided that I could not do this if I continue my procrastinating ways.. my ways of putting aside important things until I barely have time to do it. I have an inadequate time, time put aside to do certain things, which really never lets me focus my full attention on anything at all. Thats my problem. What surprised me was that it wasn't really the challenging classes that held me back.. but the atmosphere of the whole college thing. I will be a senior.. still in high school.. going to a college with the average age of 29. That means a lot of people WILL be older than me.. maybe a LOT older. I will most likely be the youngest.. and I guess that scares me. There's the isolation.. away from the people my age, my peers. I will be away from my friends.. It never really bothered me before... but college is total separation.. in a whole different environment where I am off by myself. *sigh* This is different from a university, but its too hard to get into a good university these days.. its way too competitive.. especially here in California. Most people have great grades.. so these universities look for more than good GPA's and SAT scores. So I thought it'd just be easier to go to this college and transfer... but, its not as easy as I thought, I have to work my ass off. But if I spend all this energy right now, I probably would get in a good position. But I am slacking off and not doing anything about my future. The soreness is coming back into my throat. Again. It was temporarily gone today.. even though the headache really wasn't. Whenever I get up really quickly.. or just any rapid movement, I could feel my head throbbing once again. Why won't it go away? I would avoid taking Tylenol because I'm already on other medications.. and I dont want another.. and the pain is only occasional. Damn. I didnt even do any of my homework. Again. Its true.. Im prone to addictive behavior. :( I cant stop. I don't understand that if I can control what I am doing now, why cant I control these emotions.. the same emotions that trigger the addictive behavior.. the procrastination. *sigh*
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