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I'm jealous. That's not very surprising.

But, I'm jealous of myself. My old self of happiness. The innocent me when all my worries were gone the next day. I was almost another person. Explanation? I will get to that later. But first, I must think back and remember how did I keep myself happy.

Some old things you find are interesting. You know, those things that you find hidden beneath layers and layers of seemingly useless papers. I was actually searching for some other thing, but then I uncovered an old notebook with a familiar red cover. I opened and and I gasped. It was my oldest journal.. journal that I started in fourth grade; a child of 10 years. The date was April 2, 1995. Almost exactly six years ago. I cannot imagine then that I would be here, sitting here, typing this six years ago. Ha, what a loser that past me would think of me.

Do you want to read what I have written? Hmm, maybe I will take a short exerpt from May 13, 1996:

..we also did present our poem last night to our parents. Only my mom came. I read a couplet poem. I'll tell you how I stand on the stage and said it: "Hi. I am [my name], and I'm doing called "Laugher". "Once there was a honey bee, who laughs like 'Hee, hee, hee.' So his friends call him Laugher, who's also friends with the gopher, and he really is curious, but not that glorious, and he never say 'Gee', because he's an unusual bee. I made up this COOL couplet poem called "Laugher"." Well that's it for one night, bye!

How adorable was I? I even made a little poem. Aww.. *pats the old little me on the head* I was in 5th grade then. You could see an aspiring poet there, couldn't you? *snickers*

I feel so dirty, like I haven't been washed in years. But maybe it was my imagination and maybe I've read too many books. Actually, I've read one but it's many for me. It's plenty of pages to keep me thinking it's separate books anyway. Yes, I'm lazy and I didn't finish reading it. Shame on me. I know. That's me. Always reaching for a goal, yet, well.. never reaching it.

I stayed in all day again. And I didn't look in the mirror for that whole day.. but I knew that I looked horrible. I felt horrible. I felt like I needed to scrub my face so it'd be feel of grime, whatever that was. There was something on me that I didn't wish to be. I know that I am probably being paranoid.. probably a result of not being on vacation for so long. Summer seemed so long ago.. and I am pretty sure I felt that in the summer. It feels so much worse than being in school with something substantial to do. Not that I am saying that I want to go back. I hate the pressure. Hell, I am not doing any better now. I am just pushing back the pressure, thinking that I have time.

I don't. Not really. My friend kind of reminded me in her silent way that I have work to do. I know that I do. But I refuse to think about it. Such an unhealthy way to deal with it, but I am a coward.

Watch me struggle. I will drown. For now, just let me swim. Splash a little.

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