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I walked home in the slightly larger drizzle I've anticipated than when I had first decided that I was going to walk. Okay, it was in fact, pouring. I thought I saw a peek of the sun. But it doesnt matter now that Im home, semi-dry and away from the chilling wind. I look like I've just taken a shower without bothering to dry myself.

My computer doesnt work..

Im sorry.. I got cut off there because I was using my brother's computer since mine didnt work before. It didnt work yesterday either.. it just crashed admist all my writing. It states that 'the program has performed an illegal operation.' Now it works. Okay.

I am trying to make myself write poetry because its the only way that I can be free to write whatever combination of words I want. I wrote one yesterday.. right before my computer crashed. Hmm.. Its called "Unable"

being unable to cry,
like the surreal hope
defying the simplistic dream
the ruins in depth of realization
and the river continues.

wandering past the borders
leaving a trace of indecency
the unmarked trail,
an uneven layer had disguised
between the bittersweet tears
trapped beneath unspoken anger.

being unable to laugh,
like the justified screams
hiding the tentative smile
the wishes in blinded desires
and the struggle begins.

The inspiration behind the poetry is of course my inner struggles with myself.. about everything in life. Sometimes I dont know if I can cry.. and I'd also feel guilty by crying because I'd think that I really have NO reason to cry, so why do I want to cry in the first place? The other thing is.. I laugh a lot. I also hate that fact that I always make myself laugh so much because I know that Im uncomfortable.. and thus remembering that I am laughing not because I am happy. Then I remember that I have nothing to laugh about and again, Im left with nothing.. crying, laughing.. its almost the same thing to me.

I think I've been under the school stress system for much too long. Im now guarding every single action I do, because I am afraid. I know that whatever I do, there is something else I should be doing... because I always somehow manage to fail in most things I do. Like today, there was only three classes... two which had tests. In lit, one simple careless mistake costs me a whole grade lower. I wasnt focused on the little parts of reading, but actually, the overall problems. All I had to do was underline a few things.. but I didnt.. *sigh* I was so mad. Therefore.. I got a D+. I dont know why I didnt pay any attention.. Then in World History, we had the World War I unit exam. I thought it was the easiest test.. but I still got a B.. which wasnt that bad I guess.. but it brought my 90% to a 89%.. I was just on the borderline. Grades..

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