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last day of fifteen
(2001-05-23) 8:58 p.m.

So since today is my last day on Earth of being a child of fifteen, I am going to be doing something very special today... which is.. well, something. Okay, nothing. Like there really is anything to do.

I don't know. No one else thinks it's a special day except me. Well, I konw it's a special day. Okay? Yes. Everything else thinks that is just another day to pass through. Today is MY day. Mine.

I was endulging myself in the orange tic tacs in that big container. I brought it to school today, secretly unwrapping each mint and popping them in my mouth during second period. Yum. It kept me awake. Okay, so what if school started at 9:15 today? I was still sleepy like usual. A tangy tasting thing in my mouth works. We were working on the Oprah script for lit class, and I was to be Cathy so there was no way I could sleep anyway. It's not that hard to be the Cathy kind of evil.. especially since I'm pretending to be nice... even though I really am supposed to be evil. But who can know the difference?

This is what they want me, evil Cathy, to say, "I am a victim of the circumstances." Oh, great.

So anyway, I brought it to History, and people were like, whooaaa. They have never seen that big of a tic tac container before either. And so I passed out the wrapped orange mints, just as Ms. lovely Stenseth was passing by. It was strange, but she didn't question anything. She might even have wanted one too, but of course I'd just let her drool over it.. haha, no, not really. I've just seen too much of her lately. Like how this morning alone, I bumped into her two times. Once when I was heading toward my locker, and once when I went to the other side (to avoid running into her again.. ironically, it worked the opposite way) Of course I'd want to get away. Imagine. Next year, I'd have to spend ANOTHER year with her. *shudders*

Okay. I shall stop obsessing over orange tic tacs. I will. :D

I was reading one of my friend's journals, and I felt a wave of depression. I remembered jealousy. Loneliness. Emptiness. All at the same time. That's not so great since it made me realize how I'm such an expert now at covering my emotions. I refused to believe that I'm so depressed and such.. so much that it's all eliminated. I don't understand. She tells me that I shouldn't be feeling like this, and yet, she goes and feels the same too. Oh, yeah. I can say.. "Noooo.. you stole my FEELINGS!" Right.

This week was international week.. and today, we got free food. I went crazy over the Chinese Chicken salad... it had been a huge elbow fight to get in front of the line. We had to obtain a ticket type thing.. we only get five things. I didn't get my sushi. Me, the sushi queen. Bleh. At the last minute, I went to the "France" booth and got French foods. Cheese. Yup. Since they wanted to get rid of the food because the bell rang, the lady gave me lots of cheese. Oh yay.. haha. I ended up giving away two of mine anyway since other people wanted food, and I just happened to have a plate full of weird French food. At least I don't have those pate things which are actually livers or something. I learned that on Mardi Gras.

I wore my four inch heels because I, sadly enough, felt the need to be tall. Just because I thought I should spend my last day as a child being tall. I didn't feel like always looking up to people. Literally. But then again. It doesn't really help. I'm just my own height.. it's not like I can fake anything. Yeah.

I'm going to look back to this entry in later years, thinking what I was thinking about when I was fifteen? When I hadn't grown up yet? And this is what I will be reading. My confusion with identity. My confusion with everything. Maybe I'll laugh at my adolescence. My immaturity. My feelings can never be wrong.. but still, I have a control over what gets to me. And I will be sad since this moment has passed. I should enjoy my last moments.. but its so hard. It's much harder to enjoy what you have than to wish you can have something to enjoy. Life just works like that.

I know. I should write about something special. But nothing comes to mind. I can only think of how I've let go of the three people that had been bothering me. Of course, one would be Shell, my sixth grade best friend. She is currently not my friend.. and I prefer not to use the word "ex" right now. She no longer has the power to bother me. Then, there is Jeju (a funny name I made up) from last year, whom I confronted this morning in the library. Okay, I didn't exactly approach him, but he was just there, looking up at me. I realized that it wasn't awkward anymore. I had finally let go.. the unresolved issues from last year was finally resolved. And at lunch, I accidently bumped into the actual J. I was standing next to him in line. I stared at him, and he stared back. I smiled and quickly turned the other way. When I turned back, he was gone. Such a nice moment, huh? But I was glad. It was over.. this ALL was over. I can finally LIVE.. and move on.

I know that there is some good guys out there. They're not all sneaky and stuff.. haha, whatever. My new-age resolution? No more obsessive behavior. No more of that. I'm not the same old immature girl that dwelled on such little imaginative things. Because she respects herself now. She doesn't need that person who she *thinks* would make her feel better. She can fucking feel better by herself. She can stand still by herself. So what if a wind knocks her down. At least no guy will run her over and suffocate her... and destroy what little she thinks of herself. Yeah. This little girl is a woman now... even if she doesn't want to be. Maybe..

Goodbye, me. I will miss you. *waves*

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