any where you want.

indexarchivesnotesprofileringsdesigndiaryland


emotion shreds longer
(2000-12-12) 23:01:08

Recently, I've begun getting more and more junk mail.. overloading my email system. I'd get a screen pop-up saying new mail, but then I'd ignore it since its usually junk mail. I'd end up erasing 3/4 of my mail.. thats how bad its gotten. Sometimes, I'd accidently erase *real* mails. Okay.. we should really do something about those evil junk mailers.. grr. I cant even erase my email account.

I was digging through my things in search of something (I've already forgotten) and as usual, found something slightly interesting. It was my "fake" yearbook from last year since I was too cheap to buy a $60 yearbook. Actually, I insisted in not having one since I hated my picture.. and I didnt see what was the use of getting one just for signing. So I used the notebook my best friend gave me for my 15th birthday and passed it off as an yearbook signing thing. Oh, it worked of course, even if everyone's silently mocking me.. but its way lighter and prettier than the actual yearbook. Besides that, I got my pens ready to attack other people's yearbooks. My friends have this tradition of signing looooooong entries. In fact, I got mad that mine wasnt as long as what my friend wrote in my fake yearbook... but then again, she was the one that wrote a poem about me.. brilliantly titled, "to yaya" Heres how it goes,

angel of rosy friendship,
soar forever
and I shall fly also.

through endless night
through brilliant day
I can smile
because your flower
blooms near my soul

our pearl will exist always,
beneath a constant ocean
of tears of joy.

I remembered how I spent so much time with her.. so much that we've begun to act like each other.. we couldnt even tell if I copied her or she copied me. She thinked like me.. talked like me.. almost everything like me. We could have these weird philosophical conversations, which was rare with others because no one else cared. Shes the only one that was really *my* level. Of course, this was all last year. So imagine.. that we're completely different. We are.. at the moment. I dont know who changed more; me or she. But now, we hardly talk. In fact, I havent really even talked to her in months, even if shes in my French class. I realized the differences immediately. She is a perfectionist.. she strived for the best.. just a little more than she is getting. Im also a perfectionist... but my perfectionism lies only in material poccessions.. not my ability or effort like she was. Thats the reasons that Im failing miserably in classes, while shes still on top, miserable that she cant achieve higher.. miserable about her emotions.

I guess this entry is dedicated to her because I realized how much I missed my past relationships.. and even the friendships as strong as I had with her failed. I wouldnt say its completely destroyed, but its not the same. Even though there are a lot of people I can relate to... no one felt exactly the same as me.. no one knows what Im going through. Its not only others that had changed, but I had. I find myself not being able to say whats on my mind. My best friend was like saying.. "So tell me.. say it all." when she saw that I had a lost expression. Im thinking, okaay, where would I start? Theres too many things, and then theres the doubt that no one understand.. and that I shouldnt even bother. So I end up not saying anything at all.. frustrating both them and myself.

Too many things bother me... and what bothers me even more is that I cant fix them. I allow myself to make mistakes, but whats the use if I cant correct them in the future? Why cant I learn? Its gotten to the point where Im dreading every single moment of time.. and procrastinating as a result. I've decided to change so many things at a time, and it *still* doesnt work. Physically, I think Im letting myself get away with too much.. its those emotions that pushes this person (which is me) too hard.

previous & next

from yawen.