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It is easy to think about M, and the affect he has on me. I love him, and yet not those kind of common love, but a friendship fun kind of love. It's somewhat platonic; the love is really unspoken. More partnership involved than the kind where it is openly expressed through emotions. It's one of those loves you feel, and yet you cannot place a finger on it. You know.. those you see on TV and you get frustrated because nothing happens.

That's how it is. I guess that I should say it's purely friendship. It is, isn't it? I feel like I have to ask myself that ten thousand times. Har. It's just fun, the way it is. No boyfriend at a loss here. I can even say he is my brother. It makes me sick if I do anything more than touching his hand. Even hugging him makes me feel uncomfortable. It's strange. I feel so comfortable, but maybe it's an illusion. Maybe I really know nothing about him at all. But I don't think it matters anymore. Because he makes me happy, and those few moments are rare these days.

It's not only him. It's all of them. I am pathetic, but I love those moments when I am away. When I am away from the grasps of my own home. I guess that I have never gone so far. When I am away, there are no rules. I feel like I am be someone else, and no one would complain if I have changed. The first time when I went, they did not know me. I feel like I can mold into anyone that I wanted to. And they wouldn't care because well, they didn't know me yet. And once they did, they still didn't care because they still think that it is a part of me; that they are still learning about this person. I feel so free. (sigh) I hated going back to this world, being sucked away from my freedom. But this is where I am supposed to be.

I love dreaming. I'd dream about what is going to happen because with them, I would not know. Let's see.. M is definitely the most friendliest. He'd always be the one asking if I was comfortable or if I am cold. Then there is F who is a bit bored.. but I like him anyway because he does not treat me like I am a "little" girl. He talked to me for a while without making me uncomfortable. There is R, but I have only met him once. I don't really like him at all. I was stuck in a car alone with him (but the others were outside!) and I felt so uncomfortable. He must have sense the air of uncomfortableness, for he turned up the music to break it. Then there is C, who is M's brother. He is 24, and yet to me, he is like a cross between a teen and a young adult. I am almost afraid of him because all of a sudden, he'd be wild, and then he'd turn responsible and caring.

I laughed at him because he wanted me to feed his ego... meaning: he wanted me to "rate" him. (from a one to a ten.. ten meaning the highest) I was thinking that he must be joking. But he says well, this girl rated him a 9, which is really high. He says that I can rate him for an "overall" package or just personality. I was like.. umm, okay, you must be joking. Why do guys care? Even I don't care for knowing if guys think that I am hot or not. Hey, isn't there a website called amihotornot.com? Hmm, desperate people these days ;) Anyway. I refused to answer him. Maybe because I was really tired. (It was 2am in the morning) Or because I thought that I did like him and I did not want to show it. Ha ha. That'd be embarassing the next time I meet with him.

The thing that I like about them is that they don't make me feel short. Oh my. I know. I am strange for noting their heights. I don't even think that they are taller than me. I think they are.. by a little bit. I am always so self-conscious about my height.. but I realized that they must be too. M's presence seemed too be 10 times larger than he is.. he just makes a big impression on everybody; not only me. Then there is C who makes sure he is heard. Everyone loves me.. even my own parents.

Oh, did I tell you about the link between my parents and his parents? It was a long time ago.. I met his dad way before I met either C or M. And we've only met because of a tragedy. The funeral. (sighs) That is what got me started writing in the first place. Grandmother blessed me with one of my loves.

I feel like I use the word "love" too freely. But I am a loving person and I want to love someone. And he is such an easy target. I almost feel sorry for him. Who wants to be my next victim? ;)

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