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lying, manipulation pretends
(2001-02-22) 23:06:42

Where had my childhood books gone? You know, in the early nineties there was the big red dog (what was the name again?) and then the Berenstein (I really forgot how to spell it.. its been ten years..) Bears.. I forgot all the names. These were the first books I had read when I had begun reading.. I was around five I think.. which is around the late eighties/early nineties. Today, I was just randomly watching the different channels of TV.. and for some reason stopped on the Discovery Channel. I think it was because I hated all the talk shows that was going on. (Who cares whose child is whose? I didnt want to see another set of couples screaming and yelling obscenities at each other)

I settled on cartoons.. but even now, it was pretty distasteful. Even for Disney. Well, so on Discovery Channel, they show Arthur.. you know, the Armadillo type cartoon character.. I remember reading the books when I was little.. and now, they were all transferred to cartoons. But these were the better types. Since this was a sponsered program (I think) it was specifically to educate children and such.. it still bothered me that these books were just gone.

I remembered loving these books and I'd take my New Year's money and go to my school's little book sale and buy all the books that interest me. I was only around 7. I remember the librarian being all astonished because I had two dollar bills.. besides being the rare two dollar bills, they were nice, and new ones I'd gotten for New Year's. I spent it all on books. I was such a little dork.

While the teachers encouraged little kids to read, my parents would complain that I read too much. And they'd catch me reading really late at night... which is kind of a weird thing, considering that kids get in trouble for other *bad* things such as stealing or something but I get in trouble for reading. That stealing thing is another story though, because I did steal when I was little.

I had done all these crazy things when I was younger.. and now, why am I sitting here, afraid of doing anything at all? I wasn't afraid.. I didn't even get caught when I was stealing; at least, not by the store. Even though a video camera was just right there.. I dont know how they could not have seen me. But I had been small.. they had probably seen me and didnt think a little 8 year old would steal. I think I was thinking that I wanted the things, and my mother wouldn't approve, so I might as well take it secretly.. Oh my poor mother. She had to put up with me and my deceptive ways. I was a good liar. I could cry and get sympathy even for something I had done wrong. I was manipulative. I wanted something, and I'd go for it, even if I had to lie and cheat.

I'm not saying I'm not manipulative right now.. I'm just not quite that wild. I don't steal. I don't lie (at least not that much...) I can't cry for no reason at all. I don't even cheat. I dont know what has changed. I dont even read as much. And I'm so afraid to even take a step to what I want. The only thing that havent changed about me is that I am fully aware of people's feelings. Its just that when I was younger, I used it to manipulate people.. to lie for my advantage.

Right now, its being afraid of what people may think. What they judge. Because, you know, its all about the other people. The people are the rest of the world besides you.. because unfortunately, I don't rule the world. The world doesn't see from only my viewpoint. I think its the world's revenge on me. I used to be in control, and now the world is controlling me.

It might be wrong to lie.. but its not that wrong to pretend, right?

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