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So it is Friday and I am weeping so discontentedly because my skin is falling off and my bones are breaking. It can be possible. Because I say so.

There is possibly something to say but I don't want to say it. Something smells too. Something. Well, there is always something. Blah. I don't care if I don't make any sense. Because everything is senseless to me. I want it to be either black or white. (sigh)

Today was not such a horrible day, I guess. Nothing happened. If I could think back to this day in the future, I probably wouldn't. Because nothing of significance happened. Well, I didn't do my French homework, I had allergy-ish attacks, (even though I don't have allergies.. I'm probably just allergic to something) I kept poking at my hands, and I had sore legs. The result? Well, I could barely walk. Oh yes. There was the strange hearing test during the PE period. It was odd since no one knew that there was going to be one. But I passed even though I had questioned my hearing earlier. Okay. So I'm not deaf after all.

I wonder if there's going to be an eye test? I do recall that there was one all the way back in sixth grade. And they discovered that I needed glasses. Well, I thought I had glasses. I don't remember now. But anyway. That was only one time. We had so many more hearing tests along the way. Of course, I passed each one of them, including the one today. That'd be horrible if I also have to have hearing aids.

I realized what was really wrong with my hands. I had too much "base" on the skin. That was why the doctor told me not to rub my hands too much with soap, because my hands were infected with basic solutions or something. Maybe I should try adding drops of lemon to my hands.. haha. The things we learn in chemistry kind of does help.. in an obscure way. Ah, that dreaded titration lab so long ago. Didn't I fail that lab? No, that was the Isomers lab. Whatever. All the same. Now we're learning about oxidations. And how reduction is *actually* gaining electrons, even though it's a "reduction." And then the (in)famous "Leo goes grr." Yeah.

That reminds me. Melanie wrote a really hilarious poem for the Poetry Reading today. She told me later that she didn't want to write a poem that's all deep and about life and such. I felt stupid because that's what I did. Oh well. That's just how I write. But anyway. She wrote about our math class and part of her chem class. I remember these line, "Tim is our aide, and he knows trig, and an oil rig. err, leo goes grr." Or something like that. Ha ha. Then she wrote about "OC" with her flowery things all over the place for the ending stanza of the poem. Even the teacher found it very entertaining. Well, at least it wasn't anything like, "My dog Spot is very red" or something. Har.

I want to go out and have fun again. I miss that feeling of excitement. Dammit. Why can't I laugh without feeling guilty? I think it's easier for me to be sad because I don't question that. I just feel suspicious that there's something I'm overlooking if I am happy. So I guess, I'll stay sad.. but I need excitement. I need changes. I just don't know what to do to change. I hate this schedule of always doing the same thing. Over and over again.

I miss M. I miss going out with them, sneaking out into the night. Okay, we never sneaked. My parents knew where I was, but hey, I could pretend, okay? Heh. He knows what fun is. And he is funny. That's what I need right now. Him. Not that I sound possessive or anything. I'm not.. I just need someone like him to liven up my life.. since it's kind of dead right now.

Speaking of which, I saw J today. I think. I know, it's always an "I think". It's never really an "I know." But I don't want to look that carefully.. or even SEEM like I was looking that carefully. He might even think that I care =D Ha ha. Funny, I know. But I really don't. I just want to see if it's him, and that's all. I keep forgetting to mention him.. he's become like a background sort of thing. He's something to think about in the back of my mind, blurred in with the rest of the setting. I guess he completes that awkward dot amidst others. Because it's not like the things in the past did not happen. It did. But it's over, so it's part of the numerous dots. Yes. Me and my great logics. My great logics and I.

I finally wrote in that Immunity Challenge entry for the Diary Survivor thing.. La. It kind of made me feel slightly depressed, like I just realized that I wasn't as happy as I seemed. To prove it, I cried. Ooh, it felt really great. Everything kind of bothers me now, so it's okay. I can make it after allll.. I CAN.

That's more like a command. But well, it's a start. It's Friday. Time to start over. I think that's why I'm almost looking forward to my turning sixteen. Time to push aside these childhood emotions and move on. Something I am trying to do for so long now.

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