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may: tired and untrue
(2001-05-01) 10:06 p.m.

I'm really tired today. I have no energy at all. It's probably not even physical energy. But it's any energy I've ever had in my mind as well. I feel like I've broken down completely. I have no energy today to complain. No rants. No opinions. I've been sucked completely out of these things. My mind is blank. My mind is tired. It needs to take a rest.

I feel so defeated. I feel like I've been in a battle. But who's my opponents? Myself? Hardly. I'm a natural wuss, and I'd back off in a battle instantly. Yet, I felt like I've been tortured and such. I want my dear mother here and hold me and tell me everything is all right.. and maybe say, "Mommy, I love you!" the first time in 10 years. (Ha ha.. maybe not.)

The house seemed so empty though. There is no mother around. The only evidence that the house is not abandoned is the several lights turned on, on account of me of course. This computer light here, and part of the kitchen light. It would have been silent if I hadn't played my music. I'm not saying anything about my brother.. let's just pretend he's not here. I'm trying to make a point. It's empty. I'm empty.

If there is a hole through my brain, you could probably even see the empty space in there. I told you. It's been sucked away. I just want to lie around and do nothing except that I can't. I have work to do. Lots of work. Lots and lots. So much that I don't want to even begin to think about it. Actually. I don't even know what all of them are. I am so glad though, that classes start at 9:15am tommorow. I love you, school. No, actually I don't. I actually hate school. It's the reason I have all this stress. It's the reason why I might break down and scream any second.

Last year, there was actually a "no-stress" week where teachers aren't supposed to give homework so there'd be less stress. Did it work? No. Are you kidding me? Of course not. It's a little university-type school. For us students here, we actually care about our grades. Maybe it's money. None of us are really poor if we are here. I don't think any of us are that rich either. But it all comes to: well, the pressure. The pressure from family, the pressure from others.. and of course, the pressure from yourself.

I think that I was so spoiled when I was little that I suffered greatly when that was gone. I remembered feeling so sorry for myself over such a little things. The first year of school, I went to a little private Christian school. The perfect school for a perfect little spoiled kid, huh? I can never forget that year though. I don't think that they were nuns, but maybe they were. I was too little to understand anyway. There was a church in school; that I remember. We prayed. That was all my little mind could care to remember. The moral? Well, life was different after that. Very, very different.

What made me think of that year of private schooling, was that question during French. Mme L. asked, "Avez-vous allee a l'ecole privee?" I was surprised by the amount of hands raised up. Heck, two of my BEST friends went... although they went to the same school. Anyone would know that people here at Lyn cannot be so poor. If you go a bit toward the West side (or maybe it's the South? I'm not so good in direction), toward Sara, it's the lush and rich section of the city. Okay, maybe it's not exactly lush.. and maybe I haven't even been there.. but from my friends' description, it's enough to say the amount of rich people crawling over the city. The girl has over 100 pairs of shoes. Or something. She probably owns several cars too. Purses by the dozen. You get the picture.

So really, we're all separated by the economy.. the rich and the poor. It's sad actually.. but there's always going to be the rich and the poor...under this system of capitalism. Not that I'm saying that it's bad.. but sometimes it's unfair. But hey, life's unfair. I've already learned that.. like 1000 times! And besides.. that system that promised to eliminated this rich and poor gap is one that does not work. Right. Communism does not work. That reminds me. Har. I wrote that essay pertaining to this issue.. and I got a big old D. But hey, I'm still right, aren't I?

Anyway.. earlier, I was mad about how someone created a webring that's against teen angst. (Or really, in general, all teens) It's named "Not-a-teen". Go there to check it out. So, here's what I scribbled in my private journal: (it's really long)

Teen angst. Is this what it is? Well, that's what some person said. This person created a diaryland ring called, "Not a teen" because she's against this "teen angst". What the hell? I KNOW. (Go to this link to check it out) She says that teens don't know all they think that they know, they think life is *so* hard, think parents are *so* evil, that high school is *so* hard.. and follow fads and talk about boys... what the HELL? Stupid stereotypes, I know.

I don't fit in with that.. except maybe the life is so hard. I guess in this teenage stage, we realize that adult life is hard... before, we never got a taste of it. Because life had never been this hard before. Not in freshmen year, not in junior high, nor elementary school. We are still trying to find ourselves.. of course we're going to be confused. We are trying to know who we are.. and how we fit in. That causes these emotional breakdowns.. this angst type thing.

The person is just jealous that she isn't a teenager anymore. Just because the teens are getting smarter and smarter.. she wished that SHE was as smart when she was a teen. My decisive conclusion, I know.

I don't want to bash or anything.. but I am envious of younger people as well. These 12 and 13 year olds have dominated the internet scene. And it's not hard for them to because school life is still kind of easy and such.. High school consumes to much of my time that I hardly can have my creative juices going. I can't spend that much time here or else I'd fail everything in school. Except PE of course :)

Well, I'm not so mad anymore. I guess that I shouldn't be offended if it doesn't apply to me. The stereotypes, I mean. If it isn't true to me, then it doesn't apply. In fact, I'm not mad at anything anymore. I'm tired of being mad. It's just no use if I am not going to do anything about it. What's the point, really of getting mad anyway? Can someone tell me? I am so out of it that I can't even think of one reason. Oh yes. Something offending me or something. But why would something offend me? Um. Tommorow, I will get my brain together, I promise.

Random thought. My partner is stupid. We were supposed to analyze this Shakespeare poem.. including telling what kind of poem it is and what meter does it have. I thought that it was easy because it was well, SHAKESPEARE! It was a sonnet and an iambic pentameter because well.. that's just how he always writes. And my partner would not believe me. "How would it be iambic? Wouldn't it be trochaic?" I was like, no.. it's NOT a trochee! And finally when she did believe me, she asked, "How would it be a pentameter..." Errm. Gosh. It just never stops.. does it? Well.. at least she didn't ask WHY it's a sonnet. But then again, it says clearly in the book, "Sonnets".

Baah. Hey, is that an onomatopoeia? I think that it used to be. And then it's used for simple short grunts. That's not what grunts sound like though. It's more like: Eugh. Or something. One popular one used to be *tsk tsk*. But now no one uses that anymore. Anyway. I need to write a poem that consists of all of these. At least, I want to... if I want to actually read it out loud to the class... (my poems aren't meant to be read.. not meant to be read aloud anyway)

Well, I must go. The moon shall dance upon the keyboard instead. (ooh, personification. I can write this! heh) I will leave you all alone with my silence. (metonymy? maybe?) So flinging fun shall fly, freeing fray slay away. (ooh. alliteration, a bit of assonance and maybe masculine rhyme?) Okay before I drive myself crazy. Au revoir.. (je suis presque peur que j'ecrive anglais! oui, je sais que je suis tres amusante. je sais.)

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