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"He is not the flower of courtesy.. (blah blah) but as gentle as a lamb."

Okay, so that's not really how it goes. I am sorry, but I do not have such a good memory. That would be from Romeo & Juliet by the lovely words of Shakespeare. I played the Nurse in a short exerpt of the play two years ago. It had been the scene where Juliet was awaiting the Nurse's news about Juliet's and Romeo's would-be marriage.

That line just appeared in my head all of a sudden. In the instant that J appeared in my head, my mind idly thought about it. To me, it seems that he is so unperfect. So unperfect that he is perfect. Except that since he IS unperfect I can't have anything to do with him. I am aware that unperfect isn't a word.. but it's not the same as "imperfect".. because everyone is imperfect. Unperfect means for me just not suitable. Bluntly: it doesn't work.

It's because he appealed to my emotions.. in his unspoken way. I think that he didn't even realize that he was doing it. That's why I hate it. I hate him now. I just felt like talking about it because I hated hiding it. It just doesn't go away. And I wanted to know why, after six months, he is still not forgotten. Wouldn't you think that's a substantial amount of time to forgive and forget? It's hard, I guess.. because there's NO one to blame the situation on. And when I can't blame something on someone, I guess that it doesn't go away. I wish that it was just his fault. But that's just not fair.

I hate it when my emotions dominate my thinking. It's almost dangerous considering the amount of time I think about it. It=him. That was way back in September of 2000. And I still can't get over it. But I have made some progress. I can see him and not turn away. I can see him and not care, nor even flinch. Such accomplishments, I know. Usually, I'd just search for him in order to avoid accidental meetings. But I guess that's just not necessary now because I frankly don't care. I try not to think about it anymore. That's the last chapter of the book that I have already finished; I don't want to flip back again... I was through.

When I think about the things that bother me, this issue always come up. And I am thinking about my problems now. Because I'm not feeling so well these days. I must focus on these problems or else I'll feel like I'm always buried in my troubles. I can't avoid it because I know that it'd be worse.. but most of the time I'd try not to think about it which doesn't make it any easier!

Confuse=focus? That was strange. Instead of putting the word, "focus", I typed in confuse instead. I think that I was thinking about too many things at one time. Gosh. I really need to clear my head out of cobwebs or something.

Usually, I'd be so sure of myself.. but today, I realized how off I was. I guess I'm too lost in my own self-delusion. Why doesn't anyone tell me that I'm this insane and lost? Actually, I think that quite a few people have told me that I was crazy.. but I guess since the comment was quite prevalent for her that I didn't think it was anything serious. Yes. I am insane. Dammit.

I cannot SPELL. Can you believe that I spelled "Eisenhower" wrong on that World War II test wrong? What the HELL? I knew how to spell it except that I was so rushed that I got to put a "n". Of course I got that question WRONG because the stupid teacher is sensitive to spelling errors.. even if it's just ONE letter off. Dammit. I OBVIOUSLY knew the answer. Oh well. That's not all. There is also her attempt to "trick" us if it's not my imagination. It's not, I don't think. She wants to test us.. like she did all along. Well, I failed. I hope that she is happy. I failed her test and I failed mine. I got a perfect 50% too. Wow. Such a perfect F.

I think I'm beginning to get sick again. At least my sneezing attacks stopped.

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