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power of the forgotten
(2001-04-30) 6:51 p.m.

I could almost hear my stomach screaming at me. Eat something. At least, eat a real substance that does not contain purely sugar. And it's sad to not only be scolded by one's mother.. but by one's stomach. As if it's not enough.

That's what I do. I give myself an excuse to eat more at home by not eating at lunch. But I lost that habit and now I am actually eating at lunch. I need the energy anyway. After PE though, my appetite is 80% lost. Yet, I still had two more classes to go (including math) so I need some brain power.

Now that I'm eating lunch again, I can't eat as much at home. I feel especially sick when I eat these junk. So I substitute that by sugary drinks. Then that start to make me feel horrible too. Dammit. I'm not even an anorexic. I don't have any eating problems. Why is it still so damn hard for me to just do such a simple thing.. to eat?

And everyday, I get caught up in exercising. I've noticed that my stomach have developed this bulge.. Maybe I'm paranoid.. but I think it instantly grows more each time I eat junky food. So I'm obsessed with eliminating that.. by doing "leg lifts". It's this exercise we do in the actual PE class. It hurts like hell.. the pain tears my lower back, and yet I feel like I have to do it. I can't go on living like a blimp. At least, I feel like one.

It isn't any better when my parents say that I am getting fatter. I don't understand how my mother could judge me anyway. She's the one going on a diet, trying to be so thin. Now she's under 120 pounds and she's like bragging about it. She has around the same body frame as me now. Except you can still tell that she used to be chubbier by her hands. I was always the same. And she was the one that was obsessed about her weight, not ME. I just hate my extra bulge. That's different from the whole body.

I just don't feel right. I know that I am probably not sick, and yet mentally, I feel something different. I feel so horribly about what's happening. My life. My body. Myself. It's really everything. I'm afraid to just let loose and be happy because of this. Because there's so many things that I want to fix.

I liked the sunny breeze today. I could feel the sun's rays penetrating my skin with hot stickiness. It wouldn't have been so great without some cool breeze. I was almost dying after running. I thought that I had actually run pretty fast, because it felt like I was chasing the wind. Light and chase. Then I heard the average of a time. I guess I am still out of shape. Everyone is groaning that they have to run, but I actually like the exercises. The only part that I don't like about it is the tiredness. It's probably from the lack of food.. It's fine though when I am strong and can actually breathe after a massive run.

It awakes me from my morning trance. Usually, I'd be in a daze until that class. It separates the morning and afternoon for me. I almost sleep through my first three periods. That's just how it goes. Unless I eat something during brunch.

I was so sad that the "brunch cart" had been gone for around a week. Now it's back.. but the normal lady behind the cart wasn't there. I miss her! She was the ONLY lunch lady that had the strength to smile even after people cut lines and screamed and created huge riots. She remembered what we wanted. Like one of my friends would always want spicy cheetos.. and so when she comes, the lunch lady would say, "Spicy cheetos?" And she's always smiling at us, and saying "Thank you" each time. (sighs) Why isn't she here anymore? What happened?

I hate how this happens. You only know to appreciate her after she's gone. Ack. All my friends feel the same way though. She's such a sweet person. I didn't even know her name. Do any of us know her name? No. She just disappeared. Oh well. Maybe we'll develop a new relationship with the new lunch cart lady. I don't know why these small things are important to us, but if I think about it.. almost everything in my life is essential. This time, she's younger... so maybe she won't last long. I don't know how anyone could possibly stand these loud hungry teenagers clawing for food. I don't think the previous lady quit for that. She seems so patient with us..

The power of a little "thank you." =(

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