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I made astonishing accomplishments today.

Yes, I changed out of my pajamas before 12pm.. that means, in the morning! I have learned not to mope around. Actually.. no. I had to go out today so I might as well change. Excuses. That's wonderfully sad, isn't it? Only bothering to change for the sake of other people. I'd like to say myself but that's just not the whole truth. I guess I'd only leave the personal mess to myself.. yes, I am saving it. That's better.

Why am I listening to "Fred Astaire" by Lucky Boys' Confusion over and over again? There's something infective about it. Something familiar, even. Oh well. Time to listen to something else, or else I'd get stuck into another rut. I'll never get out. (sighs) Maybe that's how the problem even started in the first place.

The weird wart-like things are not going away. I'm afraid to look. I'm always afraid, I know. Stupid coward I am. Afraid to know the truth. I like to think that I am not alone but no one's telling. Dammit. No one knows except you diaryland people. Not that anyone would really care. But, should I be worried? Maybe I'll just go to those imitation health care websites like WebMD or something. Maybe I can discover something useful. I am an idiot, I know. But I am a desperate old fool who doesn't know what else to do.

At least I find this amusing and I am smiling. Hey, smiling takes an effort these days.. especially when there are so many things that does not encourage a smile. Not even a little bit. The stress is building up again. *stares silently* It's my fault for not doing anything in a week's time. It's all my fault. But I don't want the feeling of school in my mind. I hate it. I hate what the teachers do to us. And it's not my fault that I don't want to feeling.. I'm putting off the FEELING, not the work! Do I have to scream that loud enough?

I don't understand. People don't understand why. Why I continue to sit here doing nothing. When I am bored, and I still do not do anything that I am supposed to do. I even hate that I am bored, and yet I still don't do it. The problems are coming nearer. Almost right beside me, and I refuse to look at it. I don't want to. If there was a way to avoid it, I could. I could just not care. But no. If I don't do anything about it, then it'd be even worse than it was before. And yet.. look at me. I'm still not doing anything about it.

Everyday, I say that I would. I say that I'd do it. But I agree. I am prone to addictive behavior and I can't start. I agree though.. that once I do start, I will finish. Starting is the hard part. When can I do it? When can it register in my mind that I NEED to. But needing isn't enough, is it? I think this is all a solution, a solution that I have to make. And I am losing an ingredient, so I cannot go on. Maybe it's that fun I had forgotten about. That's why I am going out. I can't stand just staying inside wishing for productiveness to take over. No, that's not going to happen if I'm just going to sit here. From this progress, it's never going to happen unless I change something. Or, in this case, add a different ingredient.

I am cold and it is raining. Oh, I like this. The weather matches my cloudy mood of raininess. The wind will set everything straight. I will go out and have fun.

I shall stop this confusion. I will eat and think again. Maybe I can knock some sense into me.

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