any where you want.

indexarchivesnotesprofileringsdesigndiaryland


another day outside borders
(2001-05-02) 8:54 p.m.

I'm jumping up and down in fake cheerfulness. Oh, I know. I should be indulging in my victory, and celebrating. Right. I probably would. If I had anything to celebrate about. What can I do? Nothing.

Well. I found out today I actually passed the writing competency exam that I had been stressing over for months. The one that every student is required to take to graduate. Of course, to graduate, you have to pass this. And I passed it on my first try so I'm happy. Not that happy. Just.. well.. content somewhat. If I didn't pass, I'd have to kill someone.. or myself. Really. I'm not that violent.

I'm still suffering a bit from yesterday. Things just don't evaporate over one day. I'm still a little tired. I think it's probably because I got up at 4:30am today. Crying. Wait, I wasn't sure. Did I cry after I get up or just when I did? I don't remember. I just remembered that I was crying and I turned the lights on to see my puffy eyes, all red and swollen. And I stayed up for half an hour, so the puffiness would go away. I read my Chemistry book. Silly me. I think it was a natural reaction to my dream of fungus eating at me. The doctor diagnosed it as a "bee sting". Lovely. Killer bees chasing after me and such.

Today was almost my birthday, do you know that? It was funny because I had forgotten the whole birthday system in History. The teacher makes us sing happy birthday at the first of each month that someone has a birthday in. Yeah. It's May 2nd, but yesterday, I didn't have History. Even though mine was still like three weeks away, she made the class all sing happy birthday to me. I was like "What? It's my birthday?" And everyone laughed at my surprised expression, like I had forgotten my own birthday. Like I'd really let my birthday sneak up on me. I felt like I was in elementary school again. I started blushing like crazy.. hopefully no one noticed. I hate always doing this. Not thinking when I blurt out something drastic.

Yeah. Last year, I did something like that. I remember seeing that fly crawling on the table. Don't ask WHY I was paying attention to the fly instead of the teacher, who was talking, and who just happens to sit next to me. (I don't know why, but we sit in a circle. And no, we weren't in elementary school) And so I was just watching as the fly crawled to the edge. Then it just went straight through and fell off the table. And I gasped really loud because I didn't expect it to happen. I mean, couldn't the fly, well, FLY? So the teacher stopped talking, frowning, "What's wrong?" I just HAD to tell the truth, and I sounded like an idiot. That's ONE time when I shouldn't have told the truth, and should have babbled on about remembering something. Heh. The whole class thought that I was a freak.

Not that this year is any better. But I think that I've learned how to withstand this dorkiness I possess. I really think that everyone's a bit dorky anyway.. but I have this habit of letting it actually show :( Oh well. Its okay.

I'm so itchy. I am so completely bitten. I don't understand WHY I have all these bites over my body. Okay, really just my finger and toes. Ugh.. of all places. It's like really tiny little bites too. And I'm not the only one. One of my best friends have it too. Except that hers was really huge. But then maybe that's because she scratched it a lot.. scratched to that size. I'm scared. I think I've been bitten by those spiders living in my room, and near my bed. I think there are. I just don't want to see it.. *shudders* It's okay. The whole house is going to be remodeled anyway.

It's strange how I'm starting to feel guilty again. Guilty for feeling pleasure. Guilty for not having more pain in my life. And see. I will never be satisfied either way.

previous & next

from yawen.