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same lost sad little girl
(2001-02-25) 22:55:09

My DSL was down yesterday.. Again. It's supposed to be the digital subscriber line, you know.. and yet its even worse than modems when its down unexpectedly. Its bad for around $25 per month.. or is it even higher?

You know what's cute? This. (click, yes you can read about other people talking about my site) I opened up hosting on Comatised.com two days ago and got several applications and decided to host her. She's so cute; she's 13, and she just reminded me so much of myself when I was her age.. so excited and ethusiastic and I guess she was so excited to be hosted, heh. I started website making when I was 13.. and my gosh, it was horrible. So I respect anyone that really takes the time to learn html and also, to use it wisely. Its really one thing to know html.. but then another to know how to use it appropriately.

I already have one hostee, who is a girl who's 17. I thought the wide age variations would make Comatised be a lovely place, hmm? Its going to flourish.. grow into a beautiful.. err.. I'll stop now :) I wouldnt want to scare anyone with my dreams.

I've also discovered an awesome site..Garageband.com... if you're a music lover like me, you'd like it too. You review some music and you get free CDs :) Heh, its kind of like ElementUSA.com but the difference is that in Garageband, I'm actually helping these bands getting signed with record labels and such.. helping them succeed. The reviewers help by giving them good reviews.. which means a better chance to get signed.. so its a pretty good deal for new bands and just music lovers.

*sigh* Well, its Sunday.. which is so close to ((gasp)) MONDAY.. which is the beginning of school. I havent finished half of my schoolwork.. bad bad little me, I know. I had the WHOLE week and I havent really even started. I really hate the stress of having to do them. You know, I keep hearing my parents telling other people what school my brother and I go to, and people always say, wow its such a good school.. and blah blah. And here I'm feeling guilty that I'm really not contributing any work to the school because I'm majorly slacking off. I barely do my homework.. study.. or really anything school related. I'm just not a school person.

I'm not an anything person actually. I dont like to do anything in particular. I say I like to design and such, but then when it comes down to it.. I dont *really* like going through all the work and wasting my time on just a few details. Its enough to drive a person crazy. See? I'm already crazy.

I've already changed the splash page to Comatised like 20 times because it never ever looks quite right. And unfortunately, I am somewhat of a perfectionist and I cant stop without it looking satisfactory for me. I still cant believe that my 6th grade teacher called me a perfectionist.. I mean, I was only 11! And only until 3 years later I figured out what it means. (When I got to high school)

Now that I think back.. my 6th grade teacher was amazing.. she was awesome. She discovered things about myself that I have never thought about. She spent a lot of time on individual students so maybe thats why I remembered her so clearly. She'd be so open.. she'd even openly talk about her boyfriend in front of the whole class. There was this open space on the white board where you can write anything you feel like.. and one day, she wrote that she was engaged to her boyfriend. And so the next year, when I was in junior high, she was no longer known as Ms. Q, she was known as Mrs. L... and the strange thing was, the year before, the other 6th grade teacher got married as well.

I was looking through that yearbook, and looking at the "old" me was strange. I had long hair (really long) and it wasn't even frizzy/wavy like it is now when I leave it long. (now it's shoulder length). And I always wore a sweater... never ever a jacket. I also wore these irritating glasses. I dont wear glasses now but I'm still reminded with the horrors of it before.. And then there was the other people.. and realized wow, maybe I wasn't the only dorky one out of the whole class.

So I dug even further for more yearbooks, and I reached my kindergarden graduation photo book. And it still looked new.. its hard covered with hardly a single dust on it. I wonder where had it been all these years. Anyway. I scanned through the pages (there was only around 6 or so..), and saw what I was looking for. I can't believe the camera captured my emotions so perfectly... and anyone could tell that I was different from everyone in most pictures.

In several pictures (taken on the same day), while every other girl was wearing their uniform skirts, I was wearing shorts, which was my PE uniform. I had forgotten why I hadnt worn the same as everyone else, but I could tell I was unhappy. In those pictures, I could tell I was trying so hard to smile. And then there was another thing.. I was so pale. So extremely white, compared to the other olive tone skins. I couldnt tell from the faces, but I could tell from the bared legs. Its so.. strange. I don't think I'm as pale now because I've been exposed to the California sun :)

Then I scanned ahead and saw another picture.. If I had lost this picture, I'd cry. This is the proof of that I was ever so strange and lonely. And I remember that moment so well. Our class went on a field trip and we had stopped to eat lunch. Everyone had their own little crowd and seemed none had room for me, so I sat off by myself. And the photo was taken by my teacher, with me sitting far and alone from everyone else, looking so lost and sad.

I stared at that 5 year old girl, and thought, damn. I was that little girl. I wanted to hug her, and tell her that everyone will be all right.. but then of course, I cant hug my past. If only I can give advice to my old self. But I am the same person, and I grew out of that awkward self. Not all other people are evil (like I had thought before, heh) and yes, I had friends now.

If I ever have a chance, I have to scan that picture in. You have to see the little cute little sad eyes staring up.. you'd want to give her a big fat hug too. How can I be that same little girl? Maybe things havent really changed.

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