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I havent been gone. I was just slipping on and off in a coma-like state (comatis-ed). Its gotten so bad that I've not only begun to hear things.. but Im also imagining things.. (seeing things..) Its often scary because I'd really believe what I sensed. Most of the time, I'd be relieved.. but the rest just freaks me out.

I feel like there is a certain way for me to act sometimes. Like I shouldnt act a certain way. Something is always telling whats right and whats wrong. When I go against my initials intentions, I'd often feel extremely guilty that I didnt go the other way around.

But we always wonder whats going to happen if we did something else, right? Well.. I think its unhealthy for me to torment myself each time I make a mistake.. each time I know there is a better alternative than the choice I made. Then other times, I'd sit around and do nothing because I am afraid of the things I'm going to do that'd be regretted later on.

Thats a reason idenitity shouldnt matter. Because even with an identity, you are nothing if you dont do anything. And if you dont do anything.. well, you cant get anywhere in life. There's a reason why I am breathing comfortably right now. Why I have been born.. Although, I still cant determine the reason, I know I'm here and thats all that matters right now. [And.I'd.wonder.if.I.was.a.mistake.] I wish I knew just what I should and CAN do. Now, Im just aimlessly searching for something thats probably never really there.

And so.. I have found a new diaryland home for my mindless rambles. I had been writing in it for the past two days.. maybe that explains the absence of entries in this diary. I feel that too many people know me in here. I am not talking about knowing my name.. because names are just labels.. but I am saying.. knowing me. My character. My role in the story. [which sometimes even my closest friends dont know] And maybe some people even know me better than me myself... which is something I'd never anticipate from when starting this diary July of 2000... It was just another design project. I never thought it would turn into a serious writing tool.

I love the online audience. I cant figure out why people want to read about my life.. but thank you for making me feel like I am someone.. that I am not just a shadow behind the trees.. and does not just disappear during cloudy days. I am always here whether people do notice me or not. Who writes these words? Me. Who designs these layouts? Me. This is all me.. and you are viewing something that is mine.. so its not a temporary shadow anymore. I have instead left a permenant mark.

I love you all... and what might this lead? I'm sorry.. I may not update this diary as much as I would like. Its too hard expressing my pain.. out of fear of certain viewers. I will continue to read all of your diaries, I promise... meanwhile, I am always here.. whether or not I am in front of the computer. I will update if necessary.. because as a part of my character, I am obliged. Au revoir.

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