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sleepless in daylights
(2001-05-03) 9:19 p.m.

I don't know why it's such a pain for me to write. But it's a habit now and I can't stop. It's getting harder and harder to write how I really feel. But maybe it's because I don't want to.

It's like picking at the new wound.. reopening it, so that fresh blood flows out of it again. I hurt again. That's how it is. I flinch. But I can't just bury it. I can't just let it go. It happened. I can't ignore what's happened no matter how much it hurts. Besides.. the sooner that I decide to face it, the better. I wouldn't hurt so much.

I'm not sure what exactly makes me so edgy and sad. I just don't feel so well. I'm like a zombie these days. Sleepy. I'm always fighting sleep. Once I get into a chair, I'd be compelled to put my head down and close my eyes. Maybe it's the air conditioner. Or the sleep-provoking low drones of the teachers. Nah. I shouldn't blame my sleepiness on anything besides myself. I guess I just haven't gotten that much sleep. So. What's with my dark-sadness creeping up? What's with this lonely attitude?

It's so hard to say what I am really feeling. These days, I feel like I am writing so slow because of this. I feel like my mind is going to fast for my fingers to catch up. And by the time by fingers catch up, my mind had already lost the thought. So it's taking longer and longer to write an entry.

You know.. I wasn't even going to write today.. but I felt like I must anyway. I need to learn how to face my emotions and accept it. I think writing helps to organize these things. Even though it takes up a lot of my time.. it still works. I know what's my problem. I have too many goals. So many things I want myself to do.. and yet, I am failing each of time. And so I am sad because I'm trapped with my own goals and aspirations. Loaded with so much of them that I can't get back on track. So I'm just giving up and that's not a very good feeling.

I just hate it though. Hate can't doing what I want to do. Hate trying and not making it. Hate doing all this work for nothing. Hate always having these unexpected things happening. Well, basically, hate everything.

Bleh. I need to write poems now. I can't seem to write any lately. Maybe I'll read the poem, "You know" to the class. It's right here.. the poem link. I like it. Except it's really too depressing. Maybe I'll explain to the class beforehand :) Yep. I'm just tempted to say that the poem I've written is by someone else, so it'd be SO much easier to analyze than someone else's poem. Hmm. That isn't such a bad idea. Of course, I wouldn't CHEAT, would I?

I hope S won't be too surprised that I'm not such a happy person like he thought I was. Har. He actually thought that I laugh more than I cry. It's more balanced than he thinks.

He's an idiot. But a GOOD idiot. :)

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