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I had this dream several days ago.. I don't remember the exact date. But it must have been pretty recent since I can still feel it. The details are blurry, but I know that it was slightly disturbing. I was dreaming about a dream. A dream where I knew that I was dreaming. Except that I didn't exactly knew in reality I was dreaming.. because I was merely dreaming it all. I don't know if that makes sense.. but that's just how it is.

There was clips of images in my head. I'm not sure if it's the same dream, but it had disturbing images of one of my teachers. I was with someone (it wasn't of significance) and I pointed to a person that *looked* like my teacher. I'm not sure if he really was.. but he called to me as if he knew me. He gave me a smirk and laughed in a way that I thought was evil.. like he was mocking me. Then came a parade of people. I must not know them because I don't remember their faces. And they were doing freaky things. At that time, I don't think I was even part of my own dream, because I didn't remember the role I played. But it's not like I stole someone else's dream. Hmm.

I remembered reading in a magazine how knowing that you are dreaming signifies how badly you want something. Maybe that has something to do with it? But, no. I don't want anything that badly. Well, I do.. to a point. I hate what I am doing right now. Doing? No, more like I hate how I am doing NOTHING. Yes, that's more correct. But I just can't change.

By the way, I won the entire Diary(x) Survivor thing. It's strange, I think. I don't feel much pride. I kind of feel bad for the other contestants since I won instead of them.. and it wasn't really fair because I only wrote in that diary purely for Survivor.. while they actually have real diaries. I just like to play around with my words and such. Now that the Survivor thing is over, I think I'm going to kill that diary. I have no time. Even though summer is coming, I still have LOTS to do. I have no time to write in five diaries. Besides.. I've begun to write regularly at the We Blog. I feel like this whole thing is just an attempt to find my ego. Ha ha. I sound so cocky. But then, what can I say? I'm proud of so little things.

Although now that I think of it, I am proud of a few things. A FEW out of the many little accomplishments I made. I am proud that I won the whole domain thing. I know that I've been ranting on and on about this thing, but it amazes me. A lot of times, I complain that things just aren't right.. and how I don't feel like I'm worth anything because I never win anything or accomplish anything big. But then I applied for the contest, and the person at YouthofAmerica replied, saying that she was AMAZED at my work in design and writing. Someone was impressed with my work? I was kind of puzzled.. because my design then wasn't very good. It's not like it is now.. when I change my layouts so much. I didn't even have experience then, but they still liked what I did. I was proud of that =D That all happened at the end of last year. I obtained my domain by January 2001.

I felt the little pleasure.. in this burst of excitement. It was much like when I first got hosted.. I moved from a freeserver at gurlpages to a nice domain. You can still see it at glaze.rebelferret.net. The actual domain does not work for some odd reason. When Charles said that he was going to host me, I was like YAY, someone thought I was worthy enough! I think that if it weren't for him, I would have given up on all this web design stuff. It was really him that made me worked hard on my designs and such.. partly in fear that he'd kick me out or something because I suck. But he didn't.. So whenever you get the chance, give him a kiss for me ;)

(sigh) I'm still reeling over the fact that we're going to take the GSE's (Golden State Exams) for Chemistry on my BIRTHDAY.. out of all the days.. it just has to be on that day. That can't be good. I think we have to do an actual lab for it. *worries* I suck at labs. I usually just depend on my smart lab partner. But now he keeps playing with the other boys, leaving me to do my own work. = The boys have this thing with water fights. We girls just sit and stare.. shaking our heads over their immaturity. My lab partner says.. "Well, you'd do the same thing if you're a guy.." Right. I wouldn't want to be one. I'm proud to be a female. Yeah.

That reminds me. It was in Chemistry when we started discussing the classes of our high school. Adr mentioned how the freshmen class (girls) this year were all slutty. (dirty as he calls it). The freshman girl was disagreeing.. and then he says that the sophomore girls were pretty "dirty" too. (And I gave him an evil stare.) He says that the junior class is the cleanest of all. The seniors are kind of bad too, but they're "allowed" to be. That's all according to Adr, who was a junior himself. Right. My lab partner was also a sophomore, and he said that he agreed that the freshmen girls were slutty because when he went to a dance, he'd see all these slutty freshmen girls in short skirts and stuff being with the seniors or something. Hmm. I wouldn't know because I haven't been to a single dance. Wait, I did tell why I'm against dances, right? Well, I am against dances to some degree. Now you know ;)

There's another story to it. Last year, when I did go to a dance, (I think maybe it was the semi-formal or something), a guy asked me to dance. Oh, how extremely NORMAL it was for someone to ask. Isn't it? I guess it was. I remembered thinking how different it was from those silly junior high dances. It wasn't as awkward. I'd rather dance with my guy friend just for fun so it wouldn't be uncomfortable.. but well, it's just mean to turn down someone when they ask you to dance, right? I had been evil and I did turn someone down ONCE during my fun years when I was thirteen or so when I wasn't in high school yet. And I STILL feel bad after all these years. Okay, so what was my point? It was just so normal to be dancing with someone.. but it was just so.. wrong.

He asked me what "year" I was. I wasn't sure what he meant. I said "03". I felt kind of bad this year when we're all saying how these freshmen are taking over the school trying to be cool. It's easy for them because the school year is so easy. But then again.. there was me at the dance doing the same thing that made me dislike the freshmen. I only realized this later, so then I decided that dances were so distasteful unless there was someone special you wanted to spend time with. Even if I did, I don't think I'd go. There's other places I want to go to with that person ;)

Another funny thing is that the last person I danced with last school year (and it *might* be the last person I've ever danced with since now.. I forget. Wow, has it been that long? haha) is the same person that both of my friends danced with too. The only difference? He was NEVER my boyfriend. No. No. He was not. He's just.. well, someone. I just can't imagine him to be a boyfriend type person. He's such a FRIEND type of person. I sound so mean, don't I? But I'm not insulting him at all. Friend is stronger than a boyfriend kind of friend, I think. No possessiveness.. (shudders).. not much jealousy.. and you're not restricted to ONE friend. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of this commitment thing.. whatever.

Hmm. I want to remember that dream now.

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