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I realized I felt better.. by not dwelling on my past problems.. when I am smiling stupidly at everything. I felt the emptiness of the fake happiness nag at me, but I couldnt help it. Everything seemed so uncomfortable, from the way my friends talk to me now, and the way the juniors (in aiding) stare at me in curiousity. I would start smiling uncontrollably, trying to refrain from bursting into fits of laughing which would cause me more than those small looks I get already.

I think reality finally fell on Shamala, who was unusually quiet today. I was so used to her loud cheeriness, I immediately noticed her silentness.. while she turned away in thought. I asked her numerous times what might be wrong, and finally she said it was the whole group.. how it was falling apart. I breathed heavily, sighing in a way to illustrate my point that one, there was nothing in the world that we could do to change these people.. two, its not anyones fault (even though she thinks it is hers).. and three, the group had already been beginning to fall apart from the very beginning.. which was around 8th grade even before Jane or the new people that came.

Ooh.. my cousin just called from who knows where. (ok, maybe Taiwan but sometimes he travels, I think) I dont know if he even has an American name.. but hes like the oldest son of my mothers second oldest brother.. He thought I was my mother since its such a bad connection over the phone no one can tell. Then he asks, "Ooh, is this [my name]?" I said "yes.." and hes like well, its me.. I haven't talked to him since that time when my mother, my brother and I went back to Taiwan where he took us out to a buffet where theres all these fancy foods.. I was about to eat a delicious looking desert, but I couldn't really read Chinese but I got paranoid that it says, 'snails' and I got too scared to eat it. Anyway.. blah.. I thought he got married or something.. hes like 26 or 27 or something and I remembered he had a girlfriend thats the same height as me (which means short since hes so tall) Haha its nice memories with him since he used to play with me when I was little.

Julia knows who Grain is.. and I thought I didnt care if she knew but I had a sudden fear she'd go up to him (shes sometimes known for her bold moves) and tell him that I hate him. What they dont know is that it doesnt have to do with him personally.. but of what he reminded me of.. and which I havent found out yet. I dont even intend to, because it'll come to me eventually and I dont want to waste my time thinking about it. Its hard to forget since he appears everywhere. Why cant every guy be simple.. and open? Not pretending.. or hiding.. like Dennis? Or Eric? Of course I dont mean just guys... girls too.

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