behind tortured smiles
(2000-11-21) 00:44:55
I always thought I was fully aware of my actions and how I appeared to others until today when Tatyana stopped me. I didnt know her that well, but she wandered over to me, and told me that whenever she sees me I'm always 'cracking up'. I was smiling then... and my smile froze then and still stayed when I got to others. Tracy consoled me that I wasnt always cracking up.. I just happened to be always smiling... she said that there was a difference. I thought.. great. There I was, smiling like an idiot to prove their point.. It doesnt matter.. it was true. I smiled.. but only because I was in an uncomfortable mood, swaying from sadness to happiness. I wonder if they could actually see how I truly feel. I knew they were accustomed to me smiling. I remembered how during the days of my depression, when my smiles had temporarily disappeared, my friends flocked to my side and asked whats wrong? Nothing.. I just didnt feel like smiling. I think smiling for me, creates an illusion of happiness I see myself in. Its more than the sadness thats creeping in every now and then.
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