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soreness marked another death
(2001-02-11) 19:29:20

I hurt. My throat is so sore.. like someone is choking me to prevent me from breathing. And my ear hurts as well. Then I have this huge throbbing headache that even survived two Tylenol gelcaps. Maybe it didnt kick in yet.. but I did have two already.

My vision seemed distorted.. I dont know how I am typing this. My headache really is paralyzing me. I can't think.. but for me, thinking is never required for writing a diary entry. So let's see what happened this morning.

Oh yes. The driving instructor came at 10am and I drove around my neighborhood. My turning sucked, so he made me go into a parking lot and practice my turns. Half the time he told me to press on the gas pedal.. another 25% to slow down, and another 25% concerning the comments on my driving. That's about right. Driving gives a slight rush.. like I'm in control.. and I feel like I could go anywhere. But. It also makes me nervous because of that. Like I could control how fast the world goes, even though its really the opposite way around.

My throat already hurt then, but I was too tensed to think about it. Maybe thats when the headache began. But I was so focused in my driving, I somewhat pushed back the pain. Or something.

Either way, the instructor must have sensed my discomfort, because he ended the lesson early. Or because we were really close to my house. I realized that I could just speed away, but I resisted the urge, and just drove home. I could drive up a tree if I wanted to. But then on the passenger side next to the driver's seat, there is also a brake.. so that probably won't happen. But its nice to think about, isnt it?

At 3:30pm, there was supposed to be a meeting for the rehearsal for "Taming of the Shrew".. but I just called 3 people to cancel it.. such a big strain on my throat, but thats what I get for being the assigned leader. Bleh. Are people psychic or something? Well, I called one of my group members, Brian, and I just asked for him, and then his dad just comes on, [and I didnt even say who I am] and just asked "Weren't Brian supposed to meet you at 3:30 today?" Its like umm, how does he know who I am? Okay. Weird. But anyway. Now that's over with, I can just sulk at home all afternoon doing nothing at all. Let the procrastination begin.

I know I shouldnt wait for procrastination.. but I know its going to happen. I dont even know what I have to do. Wait. If I dont know what to do, and I dont do it, then it doesnt count, right? Err. Not really. Its still the same result: Nothing is done. It doesnt make sense. As the second child of the family, I am prone to addictive behavior.. and a big fat procrastinator. And I'm still thinking how I did I ever get things done in the past. I just did..

Why is there so much deaths all of a sudden? Maybe I'm just more conscious of deaths this year.. but theres still a lot of buzzing death news around me.. About people commiting suicide, then funerals.. then more recently, the death of one of my high school teachers [I had her last year, last semester for PE]. She had a type of cancer.. and finally it got control over her and she passed away. I didnt know her very well.. but she was just somehow affliated with me. I'm not sad for me, or even her.. I'm sad for the people that loved her and it was a huge loss.. no matter who the person is. I just hoped she did achieve what she wanted in life.. unlike my grandmother *sobs*. What did I want to do before I die? I want to love someone 100% besides my family, and find out what I really wanted to do all this time of confusion. Maybe see the world. See my online friends. And I'd die happy. Really.

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