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I like running in the rain. When I am either not cold or just completely numb. Either way, I cant feel much.. I am completely comfortable under the pouring rain. Now I am inside, while the pouring rain slowly subsides. I think it has temporarily stopped. At least from my view from the window, I see no drops.

I am listening to "Breathe" by Faith Hill again. Why do I put myself through this? Because. Because I dont believe anything so terrible can survive the last year and can still control me. I have drastically changed over the year, and I dont think I can still be affected. If I cant even endure that year, what about this year? I've been torturing myself each day even as I do nothing. Is that possible? Mental abuse?

I am so tired of judging this awful world. I just give up. The facts are that I am going to live here.. and I have to go along with whatever because I belong in this life.. and I cant get out.

I have nothing to do outside. I am just sitting here now, doing nothing at all. I am so hopeless. I was trying to find out how to put subdomains on my domain.. but I *still* dont know how. I ftp-ed into the server, and realized there was all these directories.. what are they? I am so confused. I would email the server person, but I'm afraid they'll laugh at my questions.. well, I never had a domain before, so I wouldnt know! All I know is CGI, SSI, email things, and that's all.. at least, all that I know anyway. And I thought I knew quite a lot.

But I am quite proud of comatised.com because it's guaranteed 99% uptime.. so its actually a reliable server unlike some certain free webservers.. Anyway. So if you need a reliable image server or a CGI host (for a guestbook, web board, journal, etc), you can ask me.. because I have all this webspace, and I can help you :) Oh yeah. If you actually like the word Comatised, I could give you email forward if you want too. Because I can have unlimited forwards.. So if you're *really* interested.. contact me, okay? Or if you dont want to email me, write in my forum :)

This entry was originally written for my other private diary.. but I guess I should make up in this diary because of recently bland entries. Sorry. I hadnt have a nice time these days, and my writing skills havent been very good. Its mostly rambles.. things most likely not very comprehendable.. but somehow people are still reading. *sigh* I want to be happy. I want my entries to be happy and not so sad and lost. Oh, I am trying. But whenever I try to smile, I see it as fake. My laughs especially. But the world IS depressing. It is..

Maybe it isnt the world that is depressing.. but the people. What they DO... and basically, them. People are the ones that created this society.. this sad, sick society in which we live in now. Maybe not all of you.. but a vast majority live like this: suffering. Maybe pain is only felt through the weakness.. but things could have been better. I dont have to suffer through school. Through this abuse of myself. Through the torture of running in the cold. Through having absolutely no rights in anything. Through.. well, things could change. But it didnt. These situations still remain.. and I am complaining about it. People started it.. and people loathed it. It doesnt matter if its not the same people.. We did it to ourselves.. and look at us now..

Okay. I have no idea why I just wrote all that crap. It really doesnt matter though, because I am here anyway, regardless of HOW or WHY, but all that matters is that I cant get out, and I need to find a way to endure it. I feel like I'm in a prison.. except everyday the walls are closing in more and more.. no, it's fences surrounding me. And one day, I'm going to be a 'waffle' (as my friends say) because I am crushed by those fences.. therefore leaving a print. Except in my friends' terms, a 'waffle' is someone who runs away from their problems until they have no where to go. But I am not. The problems are just there.. and I just happened to be placed in between those fences.. with NO other choices..

No matter how much I analyze my problems.. they arent going to disappear... I am stuck here forever. Watch me getting crushed.. and completely flat. You wont remember me at all.

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