sss final burial things
(2000-11-12) 03:34:46
Sss.. theres no words for how I felt..so that'll do. I thought I had felt every possible emotion known to human kind.. but obviously I didnt.. I couldnt shake that nervous shiver thats still going through me now. Even though I have 3 layers of clothing and was burning up, I still found myself shivering.. picturing my grandmothers face as I knelt beside her. With her hair stiff, her frozen skin and bloated face. I felt sick but somehow I still manage d to stand up straight. My cousin, Lisa told me that I looked like I might fall over any second.
I focused my graze on the multiple flower stands that surrounds us, keep my mind off of my grandmothers image. The immediate family.. my 3 aunts and my parents, gathered around with arms in each others choking in tears and faced everyone. They later turned and sang together in slight harmony. I felt so uncomfortable, I didnt dare to do anything but get my graze up and just sit. I was glad Lisa was there since shes going through the same thing as me.. she told me that she just cant do this.. she doesnt even know how to cry.
I was dreading the moment I was going to get up and speak. I knew I didnt have to... but the look on my parents face made me feel so guilty I knew I had to.. so I went up there and read what I had written without once looking up. I wasnt going to look at everyone look up at me. It included all my cousins... and other relatives whom I knew so well.. I didnt want them to see my face. It was a relief to get it done.. at least I didnt fall over. I was greatful that I didnt do anything I wasnt supposed to do.. except I was ready to clap after a speech but then I realized that no one else was... I wondered if anyone was as confused as I was.
It was even worse when we went up to the mountains.. in the cold freezing wind. It was beautiful.. with the rolling green hills overlooking a large lake. I didnt want to imagine whats going to happen later. Now that I think of it, everything happened so quickly I didnt have time to think about it. I had already started collecting flowers to throw in before they started the burial. By then I realized I'd never see her again but I kept on going like everythings right.. I never had time to question whats happening.
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