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Now that I do have the time, I can't get myself to do anything productive. When I didn't, I pushed myself to do all this. Why the hell is it so unbalanced?

(Another monster of an entry)

How much more of this can I take? Reading, I mean.. I've read and read and read. I've only 300 pages to go. Maybe even less. But I like these books that have all these pages to read.. because the problems with the past books I've read was that it stopped too abruptly and I couldn't fully grasp the idea yet. I'd stop and wonder more. Unsatisfaction is a side affect from that.

Sometimes it's like that. You don't like the ending coming, you refuse to read until the end, pretending that there really is no ending at all. My life is that story. I've been reading too much, and not living enough. That's my conclusion after all these hours of confusion. I didn't have anything else to do I guess.

I didn't even go out or anything. Okay, I did. But I refused to drive because well.. I didn't want to. My mother asked me at least five times asking if I wanted to drive. Each time, I said no, no, and no.. and yet she still asks. Is she deaf? Well, that's not very nice, I know but can't she hear and understand that I hate driving? Cars are evil.

Of course what's more evil are all those junk mail that I've been getting. I thought that there's this new law forbidding them? Grrr. Maybe I should just not check it. But I know that there's still some useful emails somewhere amidst those massive junk pile, but well. I'm not up to this. Who is? I get the pop-up screen saying, "You have new mail!" Of course I'd get excited. Then I open it only to see junky junkish junkyish junker junkie junkity junk! *glares* Death to those spamming companies. Oh, I'm not bitter. *smiles* Maybe I'll just get those web-based emails instead. Hotmail has a nice filter thing except some junk mail still gets through.. Is there any hope for the future?

I feel like I'm unfair. Several people applied for hosting at Comatised and I didn't reply. Not because I didn't like their sites or them for that matter, but it's just that I don't feel ready for more. Ack. I know. I'm stupid in that way. I don't want to be a bitch and sound like a snot by saying, "Well, hosting is now by invitation only because I need to trust you and blah blah blah." That's not the reason I want to host people. It's to help people out. Encourage them for great website building-ness. After all, that's what Charles of Rebelferret.net did.. he accepted me as my first host and then I got encouraged and moved further in this whole website design business. Okay, so it's not a business but it's a growing interest and I started to work with heart. And there's a difference if I just work on it without interest.. and working on it with great interest with the same strength. So. That's what I wanted to do. But when there's too many people around, I feel like I can't take care of them all. (Not that I feel like a mother or anything. But I need some way to preserve some form of organization.) Isn't it strange if you can't keep track of your own hostees? I don't want that happen either. So I'm stuck.

I'm stupid. Again, that's my conclusion. My conclusion of tonight, as always.

You know what? I think news of my domain and its projects and diaries are leaking out to the people I know in real life. At least in my school of dweebs. (Ha ha. It felt great saying that!) Not all are dweebs but the school is just dweebful. It is! But anyway. Someone told me (I don't really even know this person. I swear. I've only talked to the person like once.) that he saw my designs and said they were really good.. that I was like a "webmaster" or something. Umm. Okay. Then I get this strange note on my blog thing that says "your hot"? What the hell? The person even left a name. Go and see. Sound familiar to you? These kind of things don't shock me though. I've already been too surprised before that I'm numb completely to everything now. I was still a little bit shocked that someone visited my page had over 130 page views. Yes, this diary. It would have been possible if the person read each entry because well.. there is around 137 entries or so on this diary.

It just can't sink in, can it? That people are not like me. That I am not like everyone else. That people can not always follow my logic. It's kind of fun toying with people, playing with their minds to see what they may think. I am evil, I know. But I like manipulating people. I wouldn't intetionally hurt anyone though. That's just not what I do. It's not what I believe in. But I like the power of my words and how it would affect people. Sometimes it's just a whisper and it's wiped off.. like what my parents do. They wipe away my comments and questions as if I haven't said anything. And sometimes I'd have an attentitive audience. You see, I love to talk. It's a useful tool. It might have been better if I'm not usually so shy.

Parents.. yes, they're a big problem. Dad is set in his ways and thinks his way is always right. My only mother thinks she's the best (possibly she is) and she is extremely sensitive to pressure and what other people think and say about her. Both are extremely stubborn and wouldn't let a person go until they are proven wrong and they right. *chuckles* Really, I've learned the hard way. I have had arguments with them and they never get anywhere. It goes around and around like a merry go around except that it's not merry at all.

There's always this jealousy of course. Not that I have any between my brother and I. But the fact that I don't belong in this family. The three of them are always in sync. And I am the odd person who does not fit in anything. I am the stupid one. I am the messy one. I am the confused one. I am just not the typical member. I'm beginning to think that my mother is right when she told me when I was 6 that she picked me up from a trash can. Ha ha. Those things they say. It might as well be true. I am somebody's garbage. It'd make a lot more sense, wouldn't it?

I am not really competitive. Maybe I'm slightly competitive toward myself.. but I just know I have this slight force to do better than what I am doing. Yet, when I see that my brother is doing better, I don't aim for that because I know that I can't get anywhere near that point. I kind of head toward a different skill or technique. What kind of attitude is that? That sure isn't a competitive nature. Oh well. That's just how I am. I like to try the road less travelled... meaning something different. Different tastes better than the same traditional way. I mean.. if I take the different path, there must be undiscovered successes, right? Or it might be the opposite and people know disasters and that's why they don't go that way. Well. Let's hope not.

I have a little more than 200 pages to go in "East of Eden". Go me ;) It takes a little less effort to read now that I've got the plot down. You know what? It's strange that he mentions himself in the book. He does it so subjectively when he mentions John. Then I think.. wait, HE'S John. His fiction character, Adam Trask, meets his own mother, Olive. No wonder the critics find it kind of hard to categorize this book and such. Nonfiction, and fiction combined together.

Reading time. I will finish by tommorow. *crosses fingers*

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