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empty world of sweetness
(2001-04-28) 3:33 p.m.

Apparently, people think I'm weird that I was suddenly comparing the imaginary to the real. If you think about it logically, it works. I was low on brain juice. What else could I do?

Well, after four days of this strenuous testing, I still had to take another one today. But, this one doesn't really count since it's the "preparation" for the SAT II. Still, I do not want to see another bubble on a scantron sheet. Row after row of bubbles to fill in. It makes me dizzy. This year, they actually made it pink. I thought it was pretty, and for a moment, I was admiring the sweet color coordination on the design on the cover. It was almost girly.

The Chemistry booklet was appealing too. It was such a desiringly taupe color. But then, I saw all the elements lined up in a funny little circle, and I laughed at the corniness. Of course, I would not laugh when I would spend the next one and half hour doing this testing, but it's amusing. The cute little periodic table was worth looking at. I know.. I've officially gone insane. You know how it goes. Thats what it does to you.. I swear.

I know that my high school is not the only school that goes through this. This testing is national, isn't it? But I think I've only started doing this since high school.. I've only done the Iowa testing thing during Junior High. Yes :) I was so estatic because I got a 99 on spelling. Oh wow, I know. Spelling.. like I've repeated so many times in the past. I can't do math or science. If I remember correctly, I got a D on my Algebra final last semester. But I guess Algebra is still not as hard as Trig.. but I'm just not big on memorizing. Since the teacher's an idiot and making all these great little tests, I flunked. Now, I'm on a campaign to raise my grades. If that's possible. Dammit. I had better grades during FRESHMEN year. Isn't that sad? Yes, I was a nerd and I got straight A's.

Now the only A I can achieve is PE. And I think even that is slipping. I can run, but I can't study. I can let myself hurt physically, but I can't stand to be hurt mentally. I think I like feeling the pain. Because then, I am conscious of my problems. So it wouldn't be hidden.. so I could actually work on it. And then, problems would not appear out of nowhere. That's why I'm afraid to be happy. There's always problems.. too many. It's really impossible to be happy now.

I won the Immunity Challenge for Diary Survivor by a two-thirds vote. Literally. Seriously, only three people voted.. and two voted for me. Wow, I can do math. (snickers) I really wished that I paid more attention in Algebra (1) because now I'm flunking in Trig because I forgot the basics. I guess that I'm not as smart as I think I am. Like I was ever smart. No.. my theory has always been the same. At one point in my life, I WAS smart. Then, I had a really high fever, and it burned off a part of my brain. I'm serious. I think I became this dumb ever since. That means.. I have a thinking deficiency.

I think I do anyway. I know I'm not that far from the truth. I know though that I have a mild form of a compulsive disorder.. when everything is not right in my eyes. I'd tear my hair about thinking about it. Things are not in the right place. Everything is messy. I am never satisfied. It can't be helped.. but sometimes a little sun did. Remember that one day, I was actually happy? Well, I surely sounded happy. But that was only temporary. After that day, my problems came creeping back. Like that happiness blinded me so much that I couldn't see it. I am so afraid of that... I'm almost relieved that I'm feeling sad today..

Dexter Freebish is playing again. My once on and off obsession have dominated over me again. My friends ALL think that Dexter Freebish is a name.. a person's name. No, its a band's name. They're so silly. (sigh) "The world is your playground and you want to win. Nothing in life will ever come that easy, doesn't mean it will be so hard." Those lines ALWAYS echoes in my head. (besides the refrain/chorus) Because it reminds me of my life and my goals.. and how I always want to "win", but I never do. And it's hard.. but I guess I won't accept that.

Mommy: "What did you do today?"
Little Girl:"I broke the law for the first time today!"
Mommy: "Wow, I am so proud of you... did you have fun?"
Little Girl: "Yes.. I had the best time of my life!"

Well, not really. My parents keep pushing me to drive every chance they get because I needed "practice". I don't understand why people like driving. An example? My brother. (cough) But he has over two years of experience.. heh. It's not hard to convince him to drive me around somewhere.. like to the mall or something (which actually did happen.. like 2 weeks ago) because he loves driving. I am avoiding it as much as possible because I really suck. I am too short for driving anyway. Lame excuse huh?

My parents wanted to go grocery shopping and such, so my parents stared at me.. that stare that said "You are going to drive." So I knew that I was going to. My brother did not want to go grocery shopping of course.. so he sat beside me while I attempted to drive home. HELLO? It's illegal. Only someone 25 years or older are allowed to sit beside me for "instructing" me... according to California's screwed law. I am not sixteen yet. (but almost) But he still attempted to instruct me anyway. I was scared stiff (not because I almost crashed) because a police car just whizzed ahead of my car. I was screaming... although my brother showed no sign of emotion. But I guess that's just him.

But I made it home safely. (whew) I guess my driving isn't that horrible.. for just only 2 months of it :) I'm already a master of freeway driving. Well, not really. I still suck majorly at PARKING. I'm too short and I can't see the other side.. yes, that's it. Another one of my pathetic excuses. Anyway.

I'm drinking that pearl tea again.. but now I've sucked all of the "pearls" out of it.. soo its all sugary milk tea now. But it's an energy source for me. It restrains me from eating something else that's more hurtful. What an awful substitution. I don't care. It's better than nothing. Sugar's always better than nothing. Empty calories, they call it. Well, empty is sweet, so I like empty.

Listen to "Across the Universe" by Fiona Apple. Just because.

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