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meant to believe stories
(2001-05-10) 10:12 p.m.

I am dancing in my cloud of happiness. I am flying away, smiling at the tiny ants of people, waving to them so freely. If there is any happiness inside of me, that is. Yeah. Life is that funny.

I think I'd be more relieved if I flunked that Trig test. Now I feel like I need to justify all my actions.. even how I could possibly get any score higher than a B. Well, I had. And now I feel strange. Even the teacher said "good job" to me.. he probably knows how badly I flunked all the other little quizzes and such.

I have a thinking deficiency, I swear. I have all the formulas and stuff in front of me during ALL of the tests, and yet I don't know how to do it. But I guess it's pointless to have notes when you don't know how to use them. I don't. Maybe because I don't do the homework, which I should really do. Okay, so I blame myself. Does that get me anywhere? No. Because I still don't understand. And I only got some questions right because it just so happens to be multiple choice. Yeah. Great.

Anyway. I went to the doctor's office. I waited there for a while at around 6:30... my mother called me before and asked if I wanted to go the doctor's because I was still complaining. I kept saying "I don't know." I was afraid it was of a more serious nature. What if I had hepatitis or something? I know that I was supposed to have the vaccine for it but I didn't. Stupid, I know. I'd probably have to get it soon. But it's a long procedure.. (sigh) Anyway.

No, my dream of the bee sting and the gigantic bee chasing after me was in fact not true. Okay? No. It would have been so much easier. It really would have been. Even if it's a million tiny bee stings all over my hands. But how could it multiply every single day? And no, I don't have a bee hive in my room. I wish =

In fact, the doctor diagnosed it as a diseasey sounding name "Dyshidrosis Pomphlyx". Yeah. Go ahead and look it up in the dictionary. But it's not that much of a disease no matter how much it sounds like it. It's just a little skin infection. And you know what? I did exactly what I was not supposed to do for treating it before going to the doctor. Hey, I did NOT know. He said that my skin infection was caused by too many handwashings... what the HELL? I know. It's strange. He says I probably scrubbed on too much soap and all.

It's strangely true. I did that. Not because I knew that it'd harm me of course. My hands just felt extremely dirty and I want to be clean. So I immersed my lovely hands in cold soapy water and rubbed it together vigorously to get all the gunk off. Well, that's just the problem. That's what caused it, as the doctor says. I am now to use WARM water with frequent use of lotion to soothe and wash with Neutrogena or Dove.

But I'm glad though I found out what caused this. Because I was going to continue doing this. Washing my hands in icy cold water. Scrubbing them with soap just because I felt a bit of a grimy feeling. Coldness seemed to soothe my sores. I guess what soothes doesn't necessarily mean that it's good. I was even twirling ice cubes between my hands to numb the swelling. Well, that's not going to work after all.

Okay, my headache is coming back. Go away.

I am going to learn Adobe Photoshop. Even if it kills me. I've gotten so used to Paint Shop Pro that I don't ever want to try another program. But the program is so limited.. and ever since I've begun to design for others, I decided to try this more professional software. Well, anyway. I tried. It's so hard, but I actually made something. If you really want to see it or something, go here. It's called dreams distorted because well, it's distorted.

Right now though, I shall sleep contentedly without having to get up, worrying that my skin is going to melt away. Or have that recurring dream of toilet stalls without doors. Wait, that's another thing. Another episode for another time. Yes. It had been a while ago..

I remember faintly the letters of the alphabet. I was placing something in order.

That's all I'm going to say. Au revoir.

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