any where you want.

indexarchivesnotesprofileringsdesigndiaryland


attempting unbalanced thoughts
(2001-01-17) 22:12:47

There is a piercing pain in my tongue... when I wiggle it a certain way or when I attempt to eat. No, my tongue isnt pierced, which makes the cause even more unknown. It only occured when I started attacking my first set of food, the leftovers from my little party in History, and at first I *thought* it was the food poking me. No matter what, the pain wouldnt go away even after the food was all out. So I brushed that part with a toothbrush and got to the source of the pain. I still couldnt figure out what it was.

I am so tired of trying.. I am so tired of hoping the answer will come.. In fact, I am just sick of hope itself.. theres too many unresolved wishes. I need action instead of sitting around and hoping.. its like giving fate a chance to destroy you. If something is done, there wont even be any chances.. and I'd be in control. Of course now, Im contradicting myself and not doing anything at all at the moment. I know what should be done, but I am not doing anything. Scream at me.. kick me.. I need some sense..

The things I've messed up on in school. World Lit --> F on a project. French 3 --> forgot a whole section on the oral. Alg2/trig --> flunked (Im sure since I guessed on HALF of the test) the final.. consenquences for not studying, damn. But math is the ONLY subject I didnt study for.. I didnt realize it was another borderline grade.. stupid idiot.. ugh. What MORE is there? What more can there be? Its like life is making a point of torturing me, not only me, but others.. ugh. But, I guess its all my fault.. I don't care.. but I'm almost afraid NOT to care.. and why should I care anyway? Because I do.. I do..

Maybe its my indecision. My goal is faintly inside my head.. but mostly I am focused on the *near* future.. not the long way. Right now, what am I thinking of? Definitely NOT of my chemistry test tommorow morning.. (and I should since I hardly know ANYTHING) Now another guilt-attack.. ugh. Am I the only person the world that have these little guilt-attacks? Almost 70% of the time spent at home is spent thinking that I should be doing something else besides the thing Im doing.. like right now.. (study, study) If only I could get myself started. If only I was this passionate about my studies as I am with my webpages.. If only I could concentrate. If only, if only? Why the 'if'? Another incertainty? My whole life then is an 'if'. If I do this, I wont get that.. If I DON'T do this, another terrible result..arrghh, karma.

What is it that I do so wrong? While Im rambling on about nothing at all.. while I have no direction at all.. while Im doing everything wrong.. okay, maybe I see the point.. I just need to change.. need to overcome the force thats stopping me from doing something... force myself.. Theres a certain need for a balance. A balance? So I guess I am an unbalanced person.

previous & next

from yawen.