expectation reside in problems
(2001-01-31) 01:16:50
[copy] [paste] I never understood why things are always so unexpected. I cant make myself not expect anything.. and its almost become a belief. I'd almost always believe something bad will happen.. so what really happens could not be any worse than what I am expecting. Sometimes I'd forget.. but subconsciously I'd presume what would happen anyway.. the opposite would happen. I know its a foolish belief, but sometimes its just easier to believe in something. I dreaded the tutoring session. Partly because it was right after school, and by math, I was burnt out. I didnt want to think right after math. Learning all those formulas was enough for me.. But I realized that I had to make myself go through it because I knew later I would cry about the lack of knowledge in the area of Chemistry. I hated always being puzzled in that class.. not knowing anything at all. Although I'd try to listen in class, the same result would occur. My mind would drift off amidst other things.. yes, I daydream a lot. I probably understood something.. but how does it relate to Chemistry anyway? Well. I wanted to get perfect grades this semester.. meaning an actual A in the class. I have an early start.. so I have to take the chance. That's my list of points. So I went anyway to get it over with. And my tutor, Kate (okay so thatsnotherrealname, but close enough) was already there. I felt sorry for her having to put up with the brainless freak that I am. Maybe I'm not so brainless all the time.. but afterschool I was because I could not think.. not after almost 2 hours of math :) Actually, the tutoring session wasnt that bad. Or maybe its because she bought one of my lollipops.. the ones I'm selling for my class of 2003. Haha... that was my fourth sale! Her friend bought one first.. actually, he didnt even say anything.. he just asked if I had change, and then hes just like staring at my box of lollipops, and Im like, yesss, someone else is buying! Hahaaa. He looks so extremely familiar.. hmm, do I know him? Well, eerrm, maybe in another life or something, lol. The other person didnt buy any because she was selling candies too.. for juniors I think.. umm, yeah, they were all juniors. But anyway. I was glad that I went and got tutored.. at least I have a little bit more knowledge. So afterwards, I went out in the parking lot to see if my brother was there so he could take me home.. but he wasnt there... grr. The parking lot is huuuge.. so I prepared to take a long hike back and walk home. But Kate comes and asks if I wanted a ride.. Im like.. ummm, okay. It was at the perfect moment because I had just retreated from my brother's parked car. My choices was to reach a phone and call my mother.. or walk home.. but I didnt want to.. so I just took the ride. Ahh, NOW I WANT TO DRIVE. Anyway. I'm still too scared to :) Laalaa. so she asks whats my favorite radio station. For some reason I found myself saying 104.9, which is this new station.. with the slogan, "Channel 104.9, the new music alternative!" which I have only found just two days ago. She's like umm, is it rock or something? Well.. umm, it is rock.. alternative. The only downside is that my favorite music also include music that isnt alternative.. well, close enough.. blah. Whatever. When we passed by Miller, I found myself complaining about sophomore year, and Im like, [in my head] WHY am I complaining to this person THAT I DON'T even know??! And this person is just this person who happens to be my tutor. She's like umm, Junior year is EVEN harder. Oh well... I already knew that.. then I just kind of said that I just have a really big problem with procrastination. Oops, heh. But she says that she has this sheet about procrastination that she should give me. Um.. right. Well, thats pretty cool. In the last months, its always been being with older guys.. but they are still not much better. Girls are still more perceptive, and more open. Guys just...suck. Shamala was right. Guys are usually surprising in a bad way. blech.
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