blank feelings unfade
(2000-11-18) 02:50:10
I've had this blank text box on my screen for hours but the words couldnt come. Theres too many things on my mind.. where could I start? I realized I've been supressing my feelings when I found out I can no longer handle what I really feel... I wasnt going to run away from the problems but I was going to stop thinking about it a while.. Then I realized it'd be harder and harder to think about the problems I've let aside. I know I'm the one that made these problems.. so why cant I control it? I had an uneasy feeling... so much that I didnt want to face anyone.. I hate those same faces at school silently mocking me. I could see their stretched out faces staring... Besides that... I cant stand this large hole I've dug... because no matter what.. I'm just going deeper in and not making any progress in getting out. Each day, I hoped for a new beginning.. but I always end up doing something wrong. The problem was that I dont know what I should do from the start.. so I'm always unprepared.. with this nagging feeling that I should be doing something. In chem, we finished the lab we were doing.. and by the end of the period, the grade sheets was handed out.. I got a 78% on the test we took on Monday.. the one that I've studied so hard for. People was like saying, "Good!" Whats good? I've studied so hard only to get a C, and thats good? Then, theres Dennis, my smarty lab partner who got 92%.. he said he wasnt smart; he just listens in class.. I know I tried to.. but once I did listen to the teacher I just get more confused than I already am so I give up. So basically I dont know anything in chem.. For the labs, Dennis always ends up doing all the work while I listen to him and I help. Wilson told us the solution is supposed to be bluish green not black like most of the peoples' solutions are. We were appalled since we have never done any lab wrong before.. (well he hasnt since hes so smart).. and for once Mark and Bonnie (who usually always does something wrong, no offense) got it right. Then when I told others, they told me that its supposed to be bluish.. but it turns black after being heated... so I'm confused to whether the final products' supposed to be black or blue. We got back our pictures from last saturday.. I went through them quickly.. and realized there was only one almost- full shot of my grandmother... but it was enough to made me remember exactly what she looked like which made me shudder. I scanned through and found a picture of the whole family.. and I realized it was the first time that all of us were together... all my aunts (on my dads side), my parents, my grandpa, and my first cousins. Everyone... except my grandmother whos in the background.. I wondered why we've never had this kind of reunion before.. Its sad to know that only at this kind of occasion would it be important enough to gather.
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