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I just came back from seeing "Traffic". It gave me such a sickening feeling that I feel like I'm going to vomit. I remind myself that it's purely an exaggeration but I know that I wouldn't know. I don't want to know. I've learned a long time ago that there are just some information that you just can't know. It's just much better off that way.

It's just strange to me where the setting was. Just a week ago, we were in Tijuana, Mexico. And where was part of the setting in the movie? Yes, Tijuana. Between the international borders.. San Diego. It's kind of freaky. The signs looked so real. I remember staring at the sign that said, "Mexico" and wondering why the "xi" was white while the rest of the letters were either blue or green or red and stuff. Gosh. But they don't have Callimax, Pemex or random taco stands. They just have those poor streets, crowded with fast cars. Dusty Mexico.

And then I had an argument with my parents about drugs. It made me feel queasy. God, don't they know that even if my high school was supposedly a high "academic" school, there is a fair amount of drug users/dealers, smokers, etc? Ugh. They really don't know. They think I'm inexperienced in this area.. that I was never "exposed".

I did actually tell them that yes, there was a lot of them.. but guess what? They don't believe me! At least, my dad doesn't. He says, "What, are you going to believe the students (kids).. I listen to the newspaper statistics.. etc." Ugh. He doesn't know anything at all. Naive little dad who doesn't believe that he had put his daughter and son near the source of drugs. Ha ha, denial. JUST so he won't believe that it's his fault if I'm ever on drugs. Of course I wouldn't.. but that doesn't refrain him from being scared, right? Because well, he doesn't trust me.

They had forgotten what it felt like to be young and confused. I myself had my crazy emotions running around. But I never resorted to drugs. Because deep inside, I loved myself. I was afraid for my body. Even though I had some fantasies and suicide, I was not serious. I didn't want to hurt. I detest pain. I only imagined my death.. not the pain that I'd have to go through. It was only because I could not stand my emotional pain. That was before.. earlier in the year when I couldn't stand the tension. Maybe that's why smart overachievers are more prone to these things.. But hey. I'm not perfect. I'm not a straight A student. I don't participate in many activities. I don't come from a rich family.

Reasons enough? I'm average. I don't do drugs. Yup. Maybe it's going to stay that way. I have my goals. I don't want anyone or any(thing) to stop me.

But you see, in a twisted way, I really liked the movie. The good guys are bad guys and the bad guys are good guys. I can't tell which is which. I just feel this emotionless thing... which is not such a bad feeling anymore. In fact, I wish I had more of that feeling. I think that's the problem with me. I get too attached emotionally and that's why I get hurt so easily..

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