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I didnt realize I was so weak until I collapsed in the middle of running. I knew it was severe from the beginning when my breath was quick and shallow, unable to breathe properly. Even the teacher noticed (probably wasnt hard since I was the only girl) and told me to not push myself so hard... they didnt know that I need to..

I was determined to run and finish it.. but in the middle I could not breath at all.. either that or my lung couldnt take it.. and I just fell to the ground trying to actually breathe.. everyone started passing me and told me to run...run..run.. so I tried to run.. but stopped.. and ran... staggered, and stopped, until from out of nowhere (he was on top of the bleachers) the teacher yelled for me to stop.. and just walk.

It was not only embarassing... but was also extremely disappointing to me... that I'd just give up. I guess my mind could take it.. but my body could not. I was so hysterical that tears just came and I couldnt think properly.. I laid down on the small shaded area on the lawn.. I was too embarassed to face anyone. Then the guy came while I was still red from crying hysterically while half shivering and half rocking. He asked, "Whats wrong?" I said I didnt feel good.. and he's like, "Tell me about it.." When I didnt say anything immediately, he said, "No, really, tell me about it.." I told him I felt sorely sick because either I didnt have energy or Im just really sick. He said, "Well, it wasnt a bad run.. really." I was silent, because I realized Ithat I didnt even know him.. but by the time I looked up to really see who he was, he was gone.. oookay..

As if it wasnt enough, the teacher came over and asked what was wrong... since he knows I had never been sick before.. and I was also the fastest girl. He said maybe I should go to the doctors if I really do feel sick.. so he asked if recently I had any stress.. uuh, yeeees... of course... but I've suffered from the stress for a long time now, why is it just affecting me now? So he says that I dont have to run for the rest of the week, and next week if necessary... without it hurting my grade... ooh, wow. I wasnt sure if I wanted to because I really did want to run because I liked the feeling of pushing myself.. and people were saying I was so lucky.. but it isnt all about my grade. in fact, I dont care at all.. I care for myself...of course guiltiness..

Ack. Im going to promise myself Im going to sleep early.. Im already feeling slightly dizzy now. But Im proud since I finally ate lunch *cheers* Usually PE would kill my appetite and I'd spend the lunch doing nothing.. and the periods after feeling extremely drained. Everyone would ask, "Why arent you eating?" I only had $1, so Kelly paid for my lunch by her lunch card thing.. I felt so vulnerable today that someone could just poke me and I'd fall..

Eric was gathering everyone up for pictures.. hes saying, "Everyone, get in!" But I just sat there staring and said, "I disappear in pictures..." I dont think anyone really knew what I meant.. but I knew it doesnt make any sense to me either. I was paranoid that I dont appear in pictures. I think its a bit like what Katrina said, about how she thought she was nonexistant because she couldnt see herself when she looked in the mirror. I think it was about three weeks ago that I saw that picture with every single one of my family members... including all my aunts and uncles.. and cousins. Everyone was there.. and guess who wasnt? Me..and it would have be fine if I didnt remember.. but I did.. I remember that time when they took the picture.. and I remembered I was there.. so where was I in the picture? I disappeared...

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