understanding of being
(2000-12-31) 21:56:35
Am I afraid? Am I afraid to admit that Im afraid? Am I afraid to admit that Im afraid that Im afraid? Okay, I have got to stop. Apparently, I dont understand people as much as I think. I dont want to deal with confusions anymore.. *sigh* So instead of that New Years Party I've been planning to go to, Im staying home.. I cant stand people right now.. not this moment anyway. Im not saying I dont like surprises.. most of the time, I love it.. thats why I actually wait to open my Christmas presents. (Not that I have much anyway) But its scary with a person.. when you dont know what they're going to do next. If I could describe the person, well, I couldn't. Now that I think back from my first impression to my last.. I cant imagine just HOW it could be the same person. *shudder* Why am I making such a big deal out of it? Okay.. The ONLY reason my parents let me go out with the boys is because.. mainly, because their parents are with my parents.. well, at least in the same house. Maybe they're not best of friends, but at least they know their parents. What they dont know is that the boys are COMPLETELY different from their parents.. only the person themselves could represent what they are.. NOT their parents. Apparently, my parent's a bit old fashioned and tend to think parents, child, SAME THING. When I came home at 2am, they didnt even question me. Dont they remember that they NEVER left me out past 10pm before with my regular friends.. except at sleepovers.. but I was NEVER allowed to go out that late. They didnt even ask about the movie I watched. So this early morning, I sneaked into the house by the side door, in hopes of not waking them up. I was lucky... the alarm wasnt on, or else it would have went off crazily. The result? Well.. going to sleep past 3am.. deathly tired. I finally dragged myself off the bed.... I need a cure.. WHAT should I do though? I want to UNDERSTAND.. unfortunately, its impossible with the type of people these days. Maybe I should go to the party after all. I do miss my friends. No matter how distanced we had been.. they've always been there at most times.. I need someone to talk to besides myself anyway. My mind's all jumbled up. Im shaking.. No it cant be all because of them.. Im not.. Im not scared of them.. No, no, I KNOW. I HAVE TO SEE THEM AGAIN!!! Happy New Year? At least be happy for me, okay? :)
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