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I thought that I had myself figured out. Like I knew who I was. But I guess not. I am just a manic depressive person who just "needs" five journals at once to suit her "needs". (sigh) I hate this person that I turned out to be. Why am I so... ME?

I don't want being so vulnerable. I don't want to have to need these love kind of things, but I guess since I'm a human being (sort of) I'm liable to these emotional feelings.

Why is there so many phone calls all of a sudden? Four times in the last ten minutes or so. Usually, we get NO phone calls. And none of it is for me. I guess I secretly wished that someone would actually care for me and call just to chat. But I'm being selfish because I'm not calling anyone either. I don't think that they're home.. and I don't really want to talk. I know.. selfish little me. I like my dark side sometimes. I'm tired of being "good" because it backfires. I JUST WANT TO DEFY THE NATURE OF THE HUMAN BEING, DAMMIT. I am tired of people percieving people as evil. I can prove that being good is something people naturally do instead of being evil. And why are people "evil"? Because I guess they've been corrupted. So I start to prove my own theory right by willingly being nice and kind to people without thinking. It's the least that I can do.

Then I realize that it's kind of an "evil" act as well. I wanted to prove a point and therefore, I'm acting this way. How can I escape this evil? I'm starting to think my theory is backfiring. Everything I do seems evil now. Now I feel guilty when I do something nice for someone. I feel like I'm just doing something nice so I won't feel horribly. Noo, nooo! I actually want to do something nice. Sometimes I even suffer to help someone.. but of course that makes me feel better than if I just do things for myself. Arrgh. I want to believe that I am a good person.. but I'm just not. I'm just like everyone else. And I just proved myself wrong. Oh, go away, contradictions.

There are all different types of people in the world. Am I one of those different 'types'? Am I even classifiable? And why do I care? Because I guess.. I need that reassurance. Damn that human quality. Why am I even human since I hate it so much? Maybe I should start a human hating clique but that just isn't nice.I'm nicer to animals than humans. Remember how I was sympathetic to the flying cow instead of the dying person? Ha.

I'm just a sick person, that's what I am. I'm a wandering person with no direction. I walk and walk and walk, hoping that I'd bump into something that'd help me find a true direction to propel myself into the future. Sometimes, I'd choose my own paths according to the signs on the road, and most of the times it's dead-ends. And by the time I get back on the main road, I'd already be lost... trying to catch up with everyone else.

What's different from this year and last year? It wasn't that I've gained more knowledge or experience. It's that my brain has me diluted with my own uselessness and stupidity.. things that starts to show as I grow older. I lose my sense, my cleverness, my creativy. I only gain confusion.

But like I said.. even though I thought that I knew who I am.. I just don't. I always hope that I wouldn't turn into one of those people who live in their own illusions.. yet I am turning into one of those people. I don't WANT that. I need to be exposed to my own reality more.. I know that I haven't been since I just saw how much it HURTS seeing how it really is.. I wish someone or something could have snapped me out of it before.

I'm afraid to dream.

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