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I took down the diary descriptions thing because obviously no one cares.. not to sound bitter or anything. I just hated always writing so long just for the sake of that long menu to the left.

I have always had this curiousity. Tell me why is it so hard for people to discern from left and right? Isn't it so simple? There is just two different directions.. yet, people still have to think about what's right and what's left. I'm saying this because I just had to think about it myself. I always feel like I'm a confused five year old again whenever I get confused with my left and right hands. Ha ha. I think I just have a dysfunctional brain.

This whole internet scene is all dominated by females. Did you know that? Especially this diary-type thing. It's such a nice thing for me because I like to express my feelings in this way. There's so many things waiting to explode. I need to write it somewhere. There's something almost magical about keeping a public online diary. It keeps me coming back. Besides, I've made some aqaintances online that I dared to call friends. Isn't that so nice? Yeah, it feels nice to have friends..

It's ironic, but in the "rejection" letter, I saw the thing that hurt me the most is the one positive thing it says. Why is that? Why isn't the other things hurtful to me.. yet.. when it says that "It seems that you'd be able to get far in the future.." I get all tearful and hurt? WHY? Ugh. I guess because I know that I won't. I won't be able to prove to them that HA, I'm going to be more successful. Because I think they just verified a truth that I've been afraid to know.

I'm afraid to know that I'm just not good at anything. Not even good at things that I like. I'm afraid to ask, "So, what AM I good at?" Not that again..

I have this sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to spit it out. I think that my stomach acid had traveled all the way up my throat.. I might have mildly vomited. I don't feel that great. It's just everything that's happening.. so many things.

I can't always just take the safe way out just because I fail at everything I take a slight risk on. I can't just always convince myself that I just suck because I just can't get anywhere. Ugh. But that's just what I do... how can I change?

What's happening with the school situation? It's stressful.. that's all. Less than a week of finals and I haven't studied. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. I just want this to be over. But how can it just be over when I'm dreading every single moment that's going forward. I'm so afraid of the future that I don't want it to come. I'm just not dedicated enough. Everything happens for a reason... I guess it's karma. Everything bad that happens to me is something that I deserve. Even though I claim to be a good person, I'm actually not. I had done so many evil things ;(

Let's see. In French we recieved the test scores and it gave me a headache knowing that I'm doing worse and worse each time. Then later this morning, I was frantically studying for a nonexistant chemistry test after finding out from Adr (in French).. and then worrying that I will fail. And then I find out that there really isn't one. That was nice because I did not comprehend anything that I had read/studied. In History we got our portfolios back, which I got an A on (I wasn't very satisfied because she didn't comment a lot.. grr...) and saw "Cry Freedom" (again.. yes.. we saw this a few months ago in lit) I ran like a maniac in PE and in the end, I felt like I was going to die.. heh. I couldn't breathe.. but afterwards, it felt good anyway. In aiding, I wrote a note to Shamala, complete with my Teddy Bear & Lollipop & Cotton Candy drawings because I didn't have to do anything. I literally didn't do anything in Math because the teacher still didn't come back yet... and I didn't feel like doing my math review sheet. Aww, I'm going to miss him. I'm tired of Mr. R's screeching voice. Laa.

Alright, I'm going to go. I don't want to keep going on like this.

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