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It's summer. It's almost eight at night and the sun is still shining so beautifully. And school is about to end.

When I was wandering around the house after I got up from my 30 minute nap (I didn't really mean to fall asleep, but I had), I saw that there was a strange bag next to the piano. Oh, the bag itself wasn't strange, but it was the peculiar things. Although the things looked like normal food type things, the packaging looked crumpled and toyed with. So I picked some things up, and fell back immediately. I'm not sure if I had really picked up to my nose and had a whiff of the smell, or had I just picked up the smell from holding it. Either way, I had smelled it.

It was an ancient smell that I recognized immediately. It reminded me of my grandmother (on my mother's side) because it probably was. I can not be fully sure if it really was.. but the thought of her popped up immediately as I smelled it. I remember straight back to my childhood living with her as a child of not more than three. I don't remember much of the years before I was three.. yet, I remember the smell. I haven't begun to see yet.. only my olfactory sense was active then.

She was the one that told me about how I attempted to steal a bag of potato chips by swiping it off a shelf in a convenience store and running as fast as I can. Not that I was proud of this.. of course not. I thought it was just cute that I had done something like that. No one explained to me that taking something I wanted was wrong. What's wrong with "wanting"? Ha ha.

Anyway. I feel a lot better today than yesterday. I'm still kind of dragging myself around but I'm not moping around anymore. Shamala even wrote a poem for me.. awww.. here's the entry, but I'll copy and paste the poem here anyway ;)

like a lone breath of
summer in winter
anachronism caressing steely air
you soar behind the
rust and muddied,
frozen tears of sky
in a corner of our
world of gray your
single bouquet shines
a comforting rose and

i know that i'm
not the only one who
finds solace in a single smile

like the gentle
sunrise can suddenly
erase depression
your light makes my
ebony bright again

Isn't it so nice? It made me feel a lot better that someone actually cared for me. It kind of made me feel guilty because I'm so needy... I'm just needy for everything. I just want so much.. and I'm never satisfied. Sorry. I know that I've been through this before. I don't want to keep on going on this ranting depressive tirade because that just isn't me. I don't want to be one of those people that say, "I hate my life" a lot of "Life is so unfair" and things like that. Let's just say.. life isn't the greatest for me, but I am surviving..

It's one thing that these "rejections" had done to me. I don't have interest to submit my work anymore. I don't want to show off what I have done. I don't feel like people looking over what I have done and saying, "It's not good enough." For what? For your standards? I don't want that. I may sound like a silly little spoiled child that can't take rejection.. but that's not all. I just hate being judged this way. I just hate trying to conform to someone's ideas just to get in. Why can't I just set my own rules? That just doesn't happen unless I do my own thing.. which is what I am considering anyway.

But it's okay. Talking with Shami made me realize that I actually did "win" some things that probably makes up for the things that I lost. For design, I won the Ginchiest award.. in fact, I was the FIRST one to win.. back when this whole thing was unknown, so that made me feel quite special. (But then again.. that was for a layout that I made a long time ago). For writing, I won the whole Diary Survivor thing... this went on for around a month and I won immunity like three out of six times (yeah half of it is won by me.. and there is like eight other contestants)... then in the end people voted for me to WIN. So I ended up winning the whole thing ;) which is pretty nice. And you know that I applied for the things that I "lost" at... so my conclusion? No applying. Well, maybe not forever.. but it'll just have to wait.

It happens in real life too. I'm talking about an interview. I HATE interviews. I don't know what to say. I'm just awkward and uncomfortable.. who'd want a person like that? Of course they rejected me because I'm just so stiff and scared and didn't seem to have the "leadership" skills that they want.. I hate it because they have to judge me in ten minutes by the way I act, speak, and answer their questions. Ugh. I think that's what's stopping me from getting a job.. heh.

School isn't that bad these days.. but I'm still struggling to keep up my grades. I don't know any yet.. except of course aiding and PE is an A. I only know that in math I have a 88%.. if I do well on the final.. I may just get an A. Bleh. I don't want to think or care about that right now.. I want these last school days to be over. There's.. only like six days of school left? (sigh) Even if summer is coming, it is not all relaxing for me. I think I'll be even more busy. SAT prep classes. Classes at De Anza college. Testings. I was right not to give in so much time to that design thing..

La la. I'm still annoyed that the only two comments Ms. Garcin left on my poetry project is "Interesting". But I shall stop complaining now. I've come to accept the fact that I am strange like no other.

I think I'll just sleep now and wake up early tommorow to do all of my work. I just can't do any work now. Such a dangerous habit, I know.

I am listening to that angrily strange Kate Bush.

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