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Hey, you know what? I was right so long ago. I remember seeing "Girl, Interrupted" and I swear that I had "borderline personality" and I was right. I took a test thing. (mentalhealth.com) I shouldn't say much now since it is around 6am in the morning and I still haven't finished half of my portfolio project. Or even my French homework thing, much less than study.

By the way, here's the symptoms..

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

My dad comes home and screams at me. Okay, scratch that. He does not scream. He... raises his voices. Yeah, there. Tells me to stop whatever I'm doing and don't do it until I do what he wants me to do. Register classes at D. I'm like, dammit.. I'm in the MIDDLE of something... and I keep getting interrupted. Does he care? No. Does he care that it's my first attempt at actually being productive? No.

Wouldn't you need to take care of the present before you think of the future? He thinks he can disappear and not do anything with my life for a while and all of a sudden barge in and control every thing in my life. Tommorow, I will barely see him at all, like he never yelled at me yesterday. He had already told me what he wanted, and then he's going to leave. And he still expects me to do it?

I'm feeling sleepy already. How can I make it throughout the day? Great. *mumbles* If I would have been considered insane back in the '60s or so, why couldn't I be now? And I thought I wasn't alone. I'm not, right? But I think it's gone on for so long that I thought it's evaporating. Yeah. I thought I got over the whole suicidal stage. The whole self-damaging thing. I guess I had. But not really. I still have that dramatic/erratic/antisocial personality. Antisocial, definitely. I'd think of what's the point of being 'social' anyway. It's not like I'm a hermit. I talk.. a lot sometimes. Just not most of the time.. =

I missed the sunrise.. again. But I guess somehow staring at this computer screen distracted me from looking outside. Now the sky is a nice blue.. really light because it kind of blends with the whisps of the clouds. Clouds? Where did that come from? I can't see the sun because the side of the house is blocking it. I know its there.. its what lighted up the sky! The world is so still and soundless. I could only hear my keyboard clacking.. I don't even hear a single bird chirp like I heard when I got up this morning. I feel like I am the only one moving here. I thought I saw something move in front of my fingers, but I realized that it was only my finger's shadow.

Its too cold for little flies I think. They always fly around me, daring to annoy me. No, it's too cold for even me. My hands are numb. I shall go. (sigh) I haven't even accomplished much. But well.. this will do. I'll just have to work a lot tonight. Good luck to me.

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