index� archives� notes� profile� rings� design� diaryland

I'm in a really dangerous mood. I'm not sure if I will explode any second. I'm not even sure what is the source.. Maybe I am a little angry. Maybe.. well, there is just too many things going on. No, its not PMS. Everything is just a bit too much to take right now.

I don't think its purely one thing that sparked this immense emotional breakdown. I think it started yesterday. Remember how I was freaking out about everything being on the same day? I calmed down when I realized that yes, I could do it all. I could be at Mardi Gras for just an hour and leave and then be in time for the dentist appointment. Only until later do I realize that I was glad I had done that. If I had stayed longer, certainly *Orange* will distract me.. and I know my friends are tired of that. And who knows what they would do to him when they find out it's him again.

It seemed like it was reopening a old wound. You know those scabs you get after a cut or scrape? Well, its like scratching that off, and now it's bleeding.. and now the memories have flooded back and its too much to take. I wonder how did I take all this before. And I am not just talking about Orange.. but also what he reminded me of. My past.. what had happened in the past.. and everything. It reminded me what I had done.. the stupid things, and those feelings I've abandoned. Those feelings that I was so ashamed of; and those past guiltiness I've wished to be forgotten.

I've seen him so much, but I think over the past months, I have ignored it. I'd see flashes of him and go the other way. It had worked out. Until all of a sudden, I've begun to see him everywhere. Like today, for some reason, he popped in my aiding class. I nearly had a heart attack because I remembered being scared the first time I went into aiding.. scared that I'd see him there. But, you see.. I never did. Until today. So it was a coincidence and such.. and I dont know if anyone saw, but I was shuddering.. hiding, with my long hair covering half my face hoping no one would notice the little lonely girl sitting off to a side immensely focused on a piece of paper. (I didn't want to look up.)

I first saw him outside in the window, talking to Alex, I think (another coincidence), and for some reason, the door opened. The teacher was like yelling, "Close the door!" because it was still 5 minutes until the bell would ring. So I thought he'd go, and just to make sure, I looked back at the window where I last saw him and he wasnt there. I was relieved.. until I looked ahead of me, and saw him there amongst the crowd. Ack. So thats when I started panicking and all. If he didn't notice me, that'd be a miracle. But thats okay, because he really doesnt matter, right?

Its so strange these days. People are acting.. unpredictably? I think in the past, I've always managed to analyze characaters quite accurately, but now, that's gone. Like one day, I was in that class, and for some reason Alex sat in front of me.. and I think I was recording some scores on the tests.. And he turned back and looked at me.. or maybe it was what I was doing. And I looked up and said, "What?" I thought that maybe I had a big stain that I had missed. Or a growing pimple.. or something. But he's like, "Oh, nothing. I'm just bored." And he's like twisting around, looking everywhere. Uhh, okay. Usually, I could detect the mood, but then, I couldn't at all. These days, I've become more defensive, like I'm afraid of attack. Ack. What is wrong?

Yes. Thats what I am saying. I am so indecisive, and therefore, in this unstable stage where I don't know where to place my emotions.

Thats not all. I went back to the DMV place, you know, the driving place. Apparently, they lost my application sheet so I had to sign *another* one and that was it.. I can not take it anymore. I am not about to wait MORE days to get my stupid little permit. So I'm like.. "Yes, I'd like to get it over with. TODAY." And she told me, thats fine, IF, I can get it done before 5pm, because that's when DMV closes. And when I started getting hysterical, she told me that when I come back, I wouldn't have to wait in line. Oh, goody.

Turns out both my parents were there at the office.. which was perfect because I needed both their signatures.. if they weren't both there, I'd scream.. and.. well, I'd just be VERY mad. Anyway. So the form was done, and I reached DMV at 4:30pm.. in time.. and I didnt have to wait in line regardless of "special privilege" she gave me.. because there weren't a line anyway! But soon I got my permit so I was happy. But when I thought about the trouble we've all went through, I got upset again. Oh, why bother? Its all over.. until another 6 months when I go back for a road test.

Hey, at least I can legally drive now. (Not those illegal days when I drove to school)

Next week.. or maybe the week after, the freshmen will take the exit exam, haahaa. I am *not* mocking them. I'm just... glad that I don't have to take it. Yes. That's all :) You see, freshmen year this year, (the class of 2004) are the first year to take this exit exam under the California law. And the law also requires that ALL freshmen take the test at the SAME time. So, because of the freshmen, grades 10-12 (including meeeee) will start school at around 11:15 for two days. The starting times varies.. but I just hear "11am" and I am happy. Thank you freshmen! Actually, thank you, California for just narrowly missing the class of 2003!

Oh yes, my friend taught me her special code she writes in, and now I'm writing all these notes in her code. Its pretty cool.. because now, no one, besides her and possibly another person can read it. No one.. including my family, which is a plus, because they sometimes read my things and its embarassing. I can even swear and stuff.. not that I'd want to :) Maybe I'll post a sample of the code up here..

Its strange how one little thing can provoke a string of emotion. I was still stuck on nothing to say, and then all of a sudden, I find these emotions pouring out of me. I had to write a reflective essay for lit.. just as a practice.. and all of a sudden, (without realizing much) I started writing about the crayon-colours around the time when I was four, and how I had stained the sheet with my "mistake".. and even though I tried to cover it up, it remained there, leaving an ugly brownish mark. It was really supposed to be about morals but I went on babbling, reliving that torturous moment. I may have been only four, but I had a good memory.

I went to that private Christian school.. even though I wasn't Christian. It had a church right in school. We'd go and pray and all. That was just one year. Then, I went to a public school, whoohoo. That was fun. The girls weren't as concieted. I think the only friend I had was a boy, because all the girls thought I was strange :( Oh, they still do, I know, but bleh.

I think Im going to the IDC exchange.. just not sure if there's any space. Its okay if I dont go.. because I dont really want to see thisperson.. but its okay. He'll understand.. actually, wait, no, he's a guy, I forgot. What an excuse.

previous & next