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I hate complaining about such an nonexistant problem... but well, it bothers me and that would be considered a problem. I dont know. Why is life so hard these days? I thought that for a while coincidences are acceptable because there are so many things happening so there are bound to be coincidences. Most of the time I'd laugh, thinking how amusing it is. Well, I'm not laughing now. In fact, I'm crying.

I almost feel guilty for complaining because really, it's no one's fault. You know, usually after school, there is NO activity/event AT ALL. And I'd just go home and do nothing until after dinner, and then I'd start my schoolwork. Well, today, I had the tutoring session (which I cancelled). I didn't feel like studying or thinking (because I'm lazy) so I just called it off until Friday. At around 5pm, I have to go back to school for the Mardi Gras for French but when I called my mother, she told me I have a dentist appointment at 6pm.. what the hell? EVERYTHING is squeezed in one day. Why couldn't the dentist appointment be some other time?

Everyone KNOWS Mardi Gras is today.. Tuesday.. FAT Tuesday.. but noo, my parents just thought it was a good time for teeth check up and cleaning. And noo, the dentist just have to be free on that time for the appointment. How can it just be all on one day? *sighs* Well, life is just being so mean to me. I can't control anything at all. I'll just not go, whatever.

Does it even matter anymore? Why should I even try if I still fail each time.. and even if I'm going back up to the top of my achievements, it seems like a wind always blows me back down.

I always blamed it on school. I didn't fit in school. I couldnt do the work.. follow the schedule, study. Nothing. But really, I realized its not only about school. Its about my life. Its pointless to try because nothing ever comes out the way I want it. It just comes out worse. I don't know if it happens to everyone else, but I just cant do this anymore. I cant keep going on like this, toturing myself for a goal that still pushes me farther away for success. I am not even a over-achiever. I just want to achieve.

And I thought that was possible for a while. Just to achieve one little thing. I dont ask for much.. but I cant even get to that point. I know I am being paranoid again that I cant never get to anything.. but its basically true. Its all triggered by this one blow. Well.. this isnt something I can control.

I guess I'll pretend Mardi Gras isnt today and that French is not important and that school isnt and that finally, my life isnt so I can just fail and I will not care, or even die because really, life is pointless and it will never work out so.. yes, did I mention pointless?

Mindless rambles bother me sometimes, but sometimes it also helps. At least I got that out of me. I'm feeling a bit dizzy from all this rage, and plus I feel a little sick. I probably wont be very good company anyway if I did go to the Mardi Gras. I'll forget I ever had feelings.

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