index� archives� notes� profile� rings� design� diaryland

The past does haunt me. I found out that I can't just put aside my past and continue on without a slight bit of reflection. It was like seeing a mirror. I could feel exactly how I had felt before, even when I am in a completely different situation. Because really.. I am the same person as the last time I was in that place.

You know, today, I went to the school's "cove", this room with really no purpose but for dancing around.. mainly for cheerleaders/spirit people for practicing. They have this full mirror that covers the entire front wall. So I went in and stared at myself. But its really strange because it didnt feel like myself. Its like.. ack. Do I really look like that? Why is that person in the mirror staring back at me? Why is the person doing the same thing as me? And my friend calmed me down.. "It's a MIRROR." Okay.

I never wanted to just forget.. but I wanted to put aside the past and move on. There has got to be something more than this. *sigh* I am blind, I swear. I don't know what's good for me, and I keep on doing this because I think it's right. I think my feelings are never wrong, although I see what its doing to me.

The thing is, I never know how I am going to react. I see thisperson with thisotherperson and I go all crazy. I thought I really didn't care anymore.. so why do I feel so weird? I think I feel like they are all going against me.. and I especially feel defensive because I've got no one to protect me. I've never had anyone to protect me in fact, but I think its scary if everyone's against me.

But hopefully, they are not. I wished I could listen to what they are talking about. I really hope they werent talking about me. *hopes* I hope he had forgotten what happened.. and I am sure he had forgotten.. well, maybe. But how come I have never seen them together before? Maybe they are just working on a project thing? Or.. bleh. Doesnt matter.. doesnt matter!!

I was confused one day, when I saw him peeking in the class during first period. But that day though, I wasn't very sure that I saw him, but then I think now that I've seen him for real outside the class so many times, I am pretty sure that I did see him. You see, I knew that he doesn't have this class right after me. There are only two French 3 classes... first period (which I am in) and third period (which he should be in) Remember, I had been in both, so unless he transferred out, he must still be in there.

And for the past week or so, I've seen him outside almost every time.. or at least, in the area. I don't understand why he all of a sudden is there.. but wait. Maybe he's there all the time and I didn't notice? How can I not notice him? He's so... noticeable. I realized that without really even seeing his face I could recognize.. from the way he moves. (I think its the same for everyone else though)

Then you know how I saw him during 6th period... and how he came into the class. I was trying so desperately to hide myself.. and somehow make it a little bit unobvious. I think he still saw me, but I still pretended I didn't see anything. I know. I am pathetic. I just can't face my problems. It was just crazy. A long time ago, I was worried that I would find him in my class because it was a class of juniors. I never had that problem before.. until NOW... a long time after.

And I felt guilty for even letting myself think about it. I found myself trying to avoid him.. and thought, wait.. that was an old habit.. a habit that I had abandoned a while ago.. And all of a sudden, I'm taking it up again? No. I wasn't about to let myself to this. Not again. I was also avoiding my tutor, because I had umm, accidently forgot to go to our meeting. *sigh* Too many people I want to avoid.. I really disgust myself. Why can't I just face my problems and let it be over with?

Because I don't want to talk to him. Because I really have no excuse for my tutor. Because.. I want to prove to myself that I don't need him, and I can survive. Oh, I can.

The world is strange, really it is. Not the world.. but the people. I shouldnt be talking, but I am, so bleh. In French (I swear its a place of fate, my French class), there was this guy who was somehow my partner for a skit we had to do on this story called, "Joachim a des ennuies". And he wants to add all these funny parts. He wants me to say, "Papa, je t'aime!" Which means, "Dad, I love you!" This is supposedly ironic for our class because there was a film episode thing called "Cafe des Reves" that we saw in the class that had this whole dramatic scene with the son saying "Je t'aime" to his dad. So anyway... he's going to say, "Oh la la.. ce n'est pas << Cafe des Reves >> !" (Oh my.. it's not "Cafe des Reves") Right. I am supposed to type the script too.

The strange thing is that the first time I'll be saying I love you to a guy (other than family of course) is in French, acting. Strange thought, huh? Well, I dont think I'm really going to do it. I think I'll crack up way before.. and my friends will make fun of me until I die, but oh well.

And another thing. I found out that there are three people sitting next to me in Chemistry that have an absolute Zero in the class. (When I say Zero, I mean, 0%, zero percent.. yes) My lab partner, who sits ahead of me.. Alex (yes!), and the girl that sits beside me (who's a freshmen). Thats.. scary. And I thought I had the worst grade in the world. Really.. who wouldn't think a 37% is bad? I usually think that other way.. (63%, which is a D-) is bad enough!! But I think my lab partner's going to have it all done. Hopefully.

Off again to release myself into the world of schoolworkness. Oh, and my friends say that they don't have work ethics. Haha. Look at me.. spending an hour writing this. I am as stupid as I look, really :)

previous & next