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Maybe I like doing this. Confusing my mind with innocent puzzling thoughts. I think I do it naturally... I had been confused for a long time now. I don't think that it's something that can be helped.

When you're in a stage where you hardly have a fully rested night, when you're so stressed, when you're falling asleep at the wrong places, when you're fighting to keep awake.. well, that's when you have this problem. You have random dreams all over. So much that you can't tell if it's just a day/night dream or reality.

In my mind, I had this vision.. a disturbing event that has happened. I wasn't sure if it was real or not. But I think if it didn't happen, it had to be a dream. How else would it be in my memory? I have so many dreams during the day and night that I can't keep track of them. Then I get surprised at the things that I think about. Am I the one that made these dreams be in my mind? Am I that sick person that I have envisioned? It just bothered me that I could be thinking about such things.

Maybe I am not exactly evil.. but I have those evil thoughts. I'm not sure if I forced them in my mind or did it just appear out of curiousity. But I didn't feel like I could control the thoughts. And it leads back to the question again. Why the hell do I think about it?

I'll describe one scene then. I was travelling at night, and then I see smoke in the distance. I saw my dad, hidden in the shadows, smoking. And I screamed at him, "WHY are you smoking??" And he was so shocked to see me. I started crying because smoking was the worst thing he could possibly do (as I thought in the dream) because he had quit so long ago.. And to pick it up again was something not very pleasant.

A light grew ahead. At this moment, I do not see my dad anymore.. but I think the smoke remained. It might have turned into something else. Maybe that's what made the air slightly dusty. I was feeling angry, and I felt like doing something evil. I had a knife and I was going to use it.

There was an awkwardly shaped dog ahead. For some reason, I was so happy to see it, and I played with it. I felt strange. It didn't seem like I was fully happy. I don't think I even felt anything at all. Then, before I knew it, the dog was bleeding and dying. I saw the knife in my hands.. and I ran away.

I think I woke up after that.. then I drifted off into a series of other little dreams; moments that's so short that I don't remember any at all.

I wish I could remember more.. to find out the details of my animal murder. I just remembered waking up feeling so dreadful.. because I just happen to be a dog lover. Maybe I'd be more sane if I had actually killed a person... because I think I love dogs more than actual people. Don't think I'm psycho or anything.. it's just true.

I think I was influenced from hearing the stories of the Vietnam war.. where the Americans were making fun of some people there who could not shoot. Some would shoot, and a cow would suddenly drop from the air... because instead of shooting the correct target, they accidently shot cows because they had such bad aim.

Well, I guess I kind of had bad images of that. And with that, I incorporated some of my own twisted mind. I think I was trying to say that I was evil. I was trying to be that Cathy character. The monster.

Hmm, I guess.

I want to go back and reevaluate that again.

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