index� archives� notes� profile� rings� design� diaryland

Everything is back again.. everything that I cant stand is still there, staring right back at me.

Maybe it wasnt exactly torture, but it was exactly the reason why I hated school.. the pressure, the pain, the PEOPLE (especially).. *sigh* I just feel like a popcicle.. because I am cold, and icy.. and plus, Im dressed like one.. dont ask me WHY I have this rainbowy shirt.. it doesnt seem to suit me but Im wearing it because its so soft and warm (even though Im still shivering now). Its just so comfortable and thats all I need now.

I saw exactly what I didnt want to see... the same people that I am disgusted with.. the same classes I dread... *sigh* Why do I make myself hate it so much? How could school be fun? All day, I was just hoping to get through the day. My friends seems so supportive, and I love them for that, but still, they dont understand. There is also a certain tension between us.. because we tend to care and even get a little competitive about our grades.. and guess who has the worst? Me. I think I am the only one of the group that doesnt get a 4.0 GPA. I am the only one.. isn't that sad?

So I am solely dependent on music.. I've been totally infested by the music.. its been running through my head all day. The first thing I did when I got home is to turn on my CD player.. oh, how obsessive I've gotten. I found out that I dont have much space on my C drive.. so I cant download much songs on Napster anymore even though I only have a bit more than 100 songs.. and plus, I've deleted so much useless programs that took up a lot of space. Even then, I'm still short on disk space. Well, I might have to delete some of my Wallflowers songs :(

On the brighter side of things.. YouthOfAmerica contacted me and announced my hosting thing and the instructions.. that they actually chose me out of hundreds of applications and such.. just because of my design and writing. Amazing, huh? I still dont believe it.. but its really true.. *sigh* Maybe I am actually good at something.. No. I still think I'm horrible at designing things.. its just all messy.

I used to think the juniors as so much older but then really, they're just an year older than me. But in the high school world, there's just a four year life span.. and each year is really defined.. just like freshmen seemed so much younger. But now I look at the juniors in my French, Chem honors, Alg2/trig class.. they dont seem so old anymore.. because of certain guys. I was planning on avoiding some people (not to sound mean..) because Im really tired of them bothering me.. but then its really impossible and I realized that they didnt really bother me that much. At one point, I remembered what Calvin said.. when Frank asked him about Richard. "Richard? He's an IDIOT!!" I dont know why that stuck to my head, but I think I realized who Richard is like..

In fact, I havent really stopped thinking about them. Its a strange relationship actually, since we're not really friends, but I'm just there with them.. so what does that make me? I think I always feel this way with new people though.. hmm. Although I really hate people sometimes (Im just a bit distrustful) but I think its interesting how they are and CAN be. The thing is.. I need certain people.. I need someone else to talk to, to be a certain way. With my school friends, its nearly impossible because they have known me.. known this side of me that I hate. Sometimes, I want to feel free.. feel like someone else. On a personality test that I took, it told me that I am charming, fun, crazy and such.. which was strange because I thought I was the shyest person ever.. Maybe I just have a shy outer shell.. but Im crazy at heart? Oh, who cares what I really am if no one really knows me anyway?

previous & next