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This poem was originally dedicated to my friend, Shamala.. but it applies to anyone suffering from depression.

she cries of laughter inside her head,
screams in the unstable perfection
a tear in her heart
slowly concealing what is left
a dull crimson ruby
with its resilient luster broken
she finds nothing.

and she sees the shadow following.
If she can run, then she can't hide.
If she can wish, then she can't dream.
If she can die, then she can't live.

she whispers,
I am you.
Cant you see that I am part of you?
I may be starving, but I am alive.
I may be crying, but I am smiling.
I may be selfish, but I am forgiven.

and I reply,
but I am a shadow behind you,
while your emotions leaves the pain
I'd be tortured with feelings
feelings you've felt before
pain you've suffered.
and those anger
are only left in me.

she was silent.
not because she didn't know what to say,
but because she couldn't say anything
not to truth,
not to lies,
because only life was real,
while her emotions was the source of pain.

But anyway.

I can't believe I spent an HOUR making my Mp3 list. Well, I am finally done at least. My list is here... its my current Mp3 list which might change any second now because I am about to open Napster and download/delete more songs. Ughhh... Napster.. a tool of evilness... of procrastination.. of pure... sadness. I am compelled to stick by it.. and yes. I'm caught in the web.

Hmm... Kittie is pretty good.. it's hard rock, but I like the girls' voices. It sweetens the songs. Kind of like my life. Everything is in crumbles, and one part of me would be the only one remaining beneath all this destruction. I don't like KoRn though. I just like "Charlotte" by Kittie. It has a part of screaming and thats what I want to do right now. I'm not even depressed.. I'm just sad what life and the emotions are doing to people.. especially Shamala.. *sighs* I love her, but she's making me worried. I've gone through the same feelings.. and even through suicidal feelings (even though I'd never do it.. because of my grandmother.)

But now that I've managed to pull myself out of this mess, it's like I pushed HER in. I don't know what to say. I know I have really no part in her sadness, but then there's this tie. Maybe I shouldn't even worry.. I should only worry about myself. I'm the one that's lost. Lost.. so much that I don't know what I am doing most of the time. I'd probably know what I am supposed to do... but it doesnt seem like I'm supposed to do it either.. I'm not making any sense.. haha, "Happy" by Lit is like.. "It makes me so mad.. cuz I wanna be happy so baaad." Haaahaa.. Happy.. who doesn't want happiness??

"She wakes up lonely... She hangs a picture by the phone.. yeaah, She doesnt think we're going to make it.. yeaah. We pretend we're in love.." And another by Lit... this time "Four." Does this band make up my LIFE story??? I'm going to buy their CD and CRY forever.. I'll promise myself that. And remember.. also "Miserable".."You make me completely..... miserable......" Its like I depend on these songs to survive. Its shaping this illusion of life.. my illusion, which isn't the REAL thing. What is the REAL.. what could be REAL?

I hate this. This girl told me how her mother was being so abusive to her, and I'm like crying with her. I remembered when I was in 7th grade, I got in a huge conflict... and my mother's like.. "Get down on your knees" or something.. so I'm on my knees, screaming and I never forgot that moment.

"Sucker love is heaven sent.
You pucker up, our passion's spent.
My hearts a tart, your body's rent.
My body's broken, yours is spent." ___

"Sucker love, a box I choose.
No other box I choose to use.
Another love I would abuse,
No circumstances could excuse" ____

"Like the naked leads the blind.
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.
Sucker love I always find,
Someone to bruise and leave behind." ______

"All alone in space and time.
There's nothing here but what here's here's mine.
Something borrowed, something blue." ____________

From Placebo....................EVERY ME EVERY YOU. >> *shh* the lines grow longer. [Its my favorite Placebo song..]

I want to toss myself in a cold icy stream. Make me realize that I actually have these feelings.. they're supposed to make me have right emotions.. not those physical pain from running.. or sit-ups or push-ups (like today). I don't care. I'd hurt myself if I have to to feel like I am human. To feel like I should be someone.

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