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Maybe I was angry for a reason, but whatever it was, it must have been something big for me to be affected so greatly. I didn't feel like saying much today because I felt like I was about to explode. There was much to think about... too much in fact. And I'm afraid that my anger will explode on the wrong person. Well, there wasn't a "right" person of course.. but I didn't want to leave this bitter impression on someone.

Warning: Long entry alert.

So I went through my ideas of being on the verge of insanity. One of them must be subconscious... meaning my dreams. A while ago (maybe three or four days ago) I dreamt about Rp at my doorstep. Except that he never came in. My mother said that there was "someone on the doorstep" asking for me, like I was expecting to see him. She commented it that "he was very ugly" and how I could possibly be "associated" with him with all the ugliness that he possesses? If it had been funny in the dream, well, I just didn't notice. Or maybe I never laughed in my dreams. But I still didn't go out to meet him anyway. I just stood inside looking at him from a distance while he impatiently waited to be let in.. like a circus lion pacing back and force ready to fiercely perform after its let out of its cage. I think I was a bit scared of him... he was that intimidating lion waiting to strike. Yet, that's NOT the real situation in real life. Yes, I am kind of avoiding to meet him, but I am afraid of something else. Afraid that it'd all come back like it did in the past. Maybe that's the lion type thing?

And last night I had a disturbing dream where I played the role of two people. One of them was me.. and the other one was my mother. I'm not really sure if the woman really WAS my mother.. but she seemed like it. I was somewhere in France, speaking broken French, trying to understand what they are saying. We were walking on the streets (on the sidewalk), and suddenly we were in the middle of the street. I think that's when the person who I was supposed to be disappeared and I became that older woman who I assumed was my mother. It was kind of disturbing. I wasn't even sure that I've transformed into that character.. but how can I NOT be in my own dream? Is that even possible? And the rest of the scenes were a blur. But I do remember a motorcycle and how "I" was involved with the man who loved the person who I was supposed to be. Later, I was that little girl again, reflecting back, because I was telling a story to a teacher in school. I found out that the woman (who I had been) was married to that man since I saw how the last name had changed. It was all a frenzy of blurs... quite confusing.

Then I downloaded "Pull out the pin" by Kate Bush and "Good night Saigon" by Billy Joel on a whim (without thinking). If you didn't know, it was the two songs that played in my lit class one day.. about the Vietnam war. And I just stuck it somewhere on my playlist.. and made everything in alphabetical order. I played it in "shuffling" mode, which plays everything randomly. I felt like playing the one by Kate Bush just because I felt like a strange contradicting song.. and guess what plays RIGHT after it? Yes that's right, the one by Billy Joel played after.. No, I didn't trigger the playlist that way. Yeah.. another to add to my list of coincidences.

Another would be math, I think. Today, he posted up the grades, and it said that I have a 87%... it apparently dropped one percent since yesterday.. haha. Then I saw that he didn't actually drop my "F" on the quiz that I took right after I came back to school because I had a fever that day. So of course I failed that test (only got like ONE question right on the entire quiz..) and he made me take it anyway. He later said "don't worry" to me and that he'd adjust the grade. But he never did. So I asked him today and said that he would only adjust it according to my test grade on that chapter. He said, "Oh you had gotten an A on that test! So I'll give you a 18 out of 20 on this quiz instead of that F!" And it raised my grade to a 90%, which is technically an A. So I was like dancing around saying, "I have an A!" but then I realized that it was the SAME exact grade I had last semester before the final... and guess what happened? I got a D on the final and it dropped my grade to a B. So that shut me up for a while.

Then there's my loss of logic that's ruining me. I would say stupidity, but it's way beyond that now. My brain is drained so low that it wouldn't be called stupidity.. It's just pure uncommon sense! Like today in French, we had the oral test that everyone's stressing about. I was so paralyzed that I didn't get up to go until I was one of the last people. But I knew that I must go or else I'd drive myself even more crazy than I already had. I was so nervous that I kept taking huge breaths to calm myself. And the teacher was like "You're making ME nervous. Stop that or I'm going to take 10 points off." She was half-kidding, but I stopped anyway. And I actually did well.. except that I was so nervous that I had forgotten to THINK about what I was saying. I forgot a verb, so I did "franglais" which was the French and English language combined. Ha ha. It was a good guess, I think, but it was WRONG. I said, "Les garcons sont involves dans le marche noir aussi." Of course the word involves is NOT a French word.. I'm so stupid.. I could have used "participates" yet I just HAD to say an English word to substitute. UGH. I'm just not good at these last minute thinking things. And I pronounced "le violin" wrong. I did a "franglais" pronunciation as well.. haha. I said, "Vee-o-lin" instead of the correct "Vee-o-LON". I think I'm going to stop my little franglais "ne like pas" type speech now.

I always manage to make everything more complicated than it really is. Like how today just happened to be the day that we were supposed to turn in our little folders for French. And today also just happens to be the day that I left it at HOME. Ugh.. why does it have to happen this way? So I had to go home at lunch after pleading my brother to drive me home. So I went home and went for the refrigerator for that little yogurt-y drink thing (I don't even think it has a name), and a bottle of ice-cold water which costs a buck at school.. Then I got back to school and turned in the folder only to find out much later (after I got home) that I had forgotten to take my french oral study sheets out. Yes.. so I CANNOT study. See this whole ironic situation? If I hadn't turned in the folder, I would have something to study from. Yet, I HAD to turn in the folder because it was what we were supposed to do. Look at this web I've weaved myself in..

You know, I was just thinking. I made my greatest accomplishments as a little child. Then my "talents" were sucked out of me. Not that I'm being mean to myself but I'm just not good enough for anything for it to be considered as a talent type thing. In fourth grade, I remember, I won "author of the month" at my school for writing a great paper or something. Ha ha. I think that was the year that I wrote stupid little stories about vampires. I was so obsessed with those blood-sucking things ;) Hmm. That was the year when I was a bookworm also.. when I'd be reading books while the teacher is talking. I also was picked for math olympiads.. I remembered how I volunteered to pick trash around the school, and that's when I started to talk to the vice principal a lot. He was the one that told me that "I must be smart" because I had been chosen for the math thing. I think I actually was smart then.. (sigh) And then in fifth grade, I won first place for a track event. I think it was the 440 m, which was one track lap, except that we ran across the field. We ran in groups, and I was not only in first place for the group that I ran with, but I also beat out all the other runners in the other groups. Then I had to run several other times just because I won, and I was so tired out by the end that I didn't do so well... bleh. At least I still can say that I won ha ha. Then I entered a drawing contest for this opera thing, and they put my art into the opera house! I wonder where that picture is now. In sixth grade, I got the "president's award". I won an award for being "inspiring" because I never "complained". Look at this.. what I've accomplished! I've done so much.. but now I am just an invisible soul, doing nothing at all. I've won nothing. Participated in nothing. Gotten nothing. Nothing. Nothing! What happened?

Something changed me and I don't know what. It might have just been me but how can I just completely change in an year? It's really hopeless, I know. I can't exactly say that I don't like the person I've become because I know there is still some of that old me who had achieved so much. Somewhere inside of me, I think and hope, there is a bit of remaining talent left. I can still run, still draw, still write. And I find myself sneaking to read a book.. and I still don't complain about anything that we're going to do anyway. (I only complain about other things.. like grades.. heeh) Yet, it's not dominating my personality.

I'd love this person, but I miss the other one too much.

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